Day 18 A Confession

I hope Sean don't mind, but I am stealing from his day 349 blog an excerpt that has me admitting something. It is hard to swallow in a way and it is step forward in a way. So anyway, here is the excerpt:



I've been doing a bunch of tough thinking lately about why some struggle so hard while others seem to be so solidly on their way. Why some say they “get it,” but continuously give in to the temptation that's trying to take this away. I think it's actually harder for people who are exceptionally smart. Let me explain: It's nearly impossible for someone to really learn something if they already believe they know. Especially when the solution has been broken down into very simple terms and easy to understand mental exercises. It can't be that easy, they might think. And so their search continues---looking for books and articles to break it down into slices that challenge their intelligence. Some people insist on complicating things. It doesn't have to be complicated. It can be easy if you accept that it can. Once you turn off the excuses. Once you accept 100% responsibility for your behaviors with food. Once you become completely self-honest about your consumption. Once you realize the importance of consistency. Once you stick to a lower level of calories. Once you commit to a real exercise schedule, once you do these things—it's almost impossible not to succeed. And yes, you have to fight. You have to bring out the fight inside and often times battle that little devil on your shoulder. If any of these vital components are not in place, it can seem very difficult.

You see folks, I may have kinda been misleading in acting as though I am a dough eyed newbie to trying to lose weight. The truth of the matter, I have known for years the mechanics of how to lose weight. I knew the steps, I just didn't know HOW to lose weight. And by that I mean it just was too imposing of a task. It seemed like a useless pursuit. Add to that that I LIKED, no LOVED food, and the idea of not eating as much would suck. So armed with knowledge, I still did not fight the good fight. I did not take steps towards a better life. It was not for lack of knowledge, it was for lack of will. So when I decided I was going to do this, I decided to do a wipe of my hard drive. I was determined to begin anew. Which kinda made sense. I wanted new results, so I needed new methods. I have read multiple times, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I had done the same thing over and over, no results still. So I wiped the slate clean, I pretend like I know nothing so nothing that may be helpful gets dismissed "because I know a better way". I would consider myself an intelligent person, and I guarantee I have rationalized my way out of two dozen diet attempts because I can. I have that ability. So realizing that to be a problem early on, I changed my attitude.

I have been thinking about my fascination with my calorie count each day. I mean folks, I kid you not, I am OCD!! Kathy hears me saying numbers and sees me drawing figures on the air while I am adding. It is funny to watch I am sure. But that is my security blanket, along with this blog. I don't want to break my bank and I don't want to have to tell you guys I failed that day. All the while, I am learning. I am becoming indoctrinated. Yes that pizza was good, but I didn't need to eat 5 slices to enjoy it. I was just fine with three. Or for that matter two. Before, I would have gone nuts knowing there was pizza to be had. It would call my name, demanding attention. Now, the calorie bank does that. It calls to me. "Only 2000 Shane, use them wisely". The bank's pull has began to take over where my food cravings use to live. I see my totals all day long in my head. I write them down in three different places throughout the day. It is a puzzle for me. How will I keep my count low? What can I have, what do I need to avoid? What will give me the most bang for my calorie buck? All that has replaced "how much is left? are you gonna eat that? can I finish your plate?" I could not STAND to leave uneaten food! It was just wasteful. Now the leftovers get put up, to be plugged in another time and another meal. Wow, that is cool.

As I have discussed, I decided on 2000 calories as my bank. I saw Sean's was 1500 and that number immediately seemed low to me. I decided that I would set mine to 2000 and thought even that was going to be hard to stay below. I have to admit, has not been a problem at all. In fact, I have had so little of a challenge doing it, I think I will go on ahead and move the bank down. Not much. I am going to 1800 a day instead. I just think it is a necessary move without even knowing why. So starting tomorrow, it is on. I also want to start getting a lot more veggies in for reasons I won't go in to here. I need to figure out how to make those a bigger portion of my calorie count.

Ok, I want to brag on me. I have been doing so well on my exercising! I have stuck to my one weight workout and one cardio workout policy per day. Weights in the morning, cardio either in the afternoon or at night. I missed my cardio on Tuesday, but I also had done 60 non weighted squats that day ( thanks Sean!!) and was having rubber legs. I hate to make that excuse, but I didn't let one missed workout snowball, and I think that is it's own success story given my past. I have decided my treat for me is going to be a better weight bench and more weights when I reach 272 pounds. I haven't cleared that with the boss yet, but I bet she will let me.

Kathy has started the movie so I am going to sign off. Elizabeth, I am so glad to hear from you!! I want to congratulate you on your weight loss and look forward to hearing more success stories! Hugs right back at ya!! Good night everybody and remember, please keep inspiring me and I will try to do the same for you!!