Monday, July 24, 2017
I have been drinking tons of water here lately. I have a cup of coffee at the house, one at the office, and one diet Mountain Dew sometime in the afternoon. But the rest is water water water. I bet I am drinking at least 96 oounces a day if not more. It doesn't bring me he buzz I get when I drink a flavored drink and my taste buds smile. What it does bring me is the knowledge that water while not delicious to me, it is healthy for me. Now, I am able to use that logic with food. I have changed the menu up with the help of my wife, and my foods are quite a bit different now. I eat lots of vegetables and less meats, I drink almond milk with my new not crappy cereal for breakfast. I have a small lunch now rather than going all out and the lunch is a wrap with lean meat and vegetables.
The tide is turning, and I like the way it is playing out. Thanks goes up to the Man Above for getting my head screwed on straight finally and for making this effort stick!!
Sunday, July 23, 2017
But this last week has been a shift in paradigm for me. I left my lunch on the plate and at the restaurant on Monday. I didn't take any of my kids' leftovers at supper all week. And I threw away a box of cookies Friday night, so I wouldn't finish it. Food seems to be losing its hold over me. Strike that. It makes it sound like I have no power over food. It makes me sound like a victim. I am not a victim. I am making bad choices. It is all me, and I will own it. So what has really happened this week is I have started to let go of my obsession/addictive behaviors towards food. I am gaining strength in decision making skills.
My final thought is one more brag. Today, we went to La Fiesta after church. Historically,it is nothing for me to leave there feeling miserable. Bring on the chips and salsa, the big bowl of queso and the big plate of carbs and fat. Today, on the way there, I made a decision. I was not going to cave like so many times before. I was going to actually leave there holding my head high and proud of the choices I made. So when we arrived, I took out 10 chips from the basket. That was going to be the end of my chip eating. Then I ordered 1 soft taco and a side of pico de gallo. No cheese dip, appetizers, nothing extra. And that was all I ate. I didn't scoop off the kids plate, I didn't resume chips and salsa eating. I walked out, with my head held high.
I honestly am so happy to be back on fire and in the groove again. I believe it is God's will that this has taken off as well as it has. I don't always understand His plan, but I do appreciate it when it comes together!
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Today was everything yesterday wasn't. I have been spot on with the calorie budget, I have remained active and productive today which probably is the biggest help to a good Saturday. I was also dealing with the fact my wife is out of town. I don't know why but historically, my wife's absence has brought on binge tendencies. Not today though!
I think that those steps on the wagon, they get a little bigger every time I do something I am proud of. Yesterday, for the second time in a week, I threw food away!! I know to most, that is a so what deal. But for me, it is huge! Part of my obsession with food is that when I pay for it, I want to clean that plate or finish that container. If I at a buffet, it is about getting plenty of food for the money I paid!
I have one other bit of news. I am do a trial run on Plexus for this month. I am not generally a gimmick guy, but I will spend a $100 to see if it may help me along my journey. If it does, great. If not, I tried.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Today is Thursday, and I took action early on to make sure that I took that knowledge and went to war with the Thursday Curse. I texted a friend, I posted it on my Twitter and talked about in a Facebook group I am in. I prayed on it, and I started writing 273 randomly through out the day. That is the number I hope to see on the scale tomorrow.
More than once throughout the day, I almost gave in and had crap for lunch, or I almost decided to binge and get rid of that hungry feeling late afternoon. The Good Lord and some planning were looking over me, and I have made it past the danger zone I do breve. Before I started typing this, I had an apple with peanut butter. That will still leave me under my calorie goal for the day. And it will also signify me "getting over the hump" today. Challenge number one accepted and successfully completed. I don't think anybody who contributed to my success today reads this, but if you do,thank you!!
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Today, I realized that to some degree, I am being a hypocrite to her. Because look at my physical health and my eating habits, and you can see, I am neither doing good work or being responsible. I am doing exactly what she is doing that drives me mad.I know I could benefit from working out, eating better, and changing my attitude towards food, but I am just choosing not to, it isn't fun.
I was getting dressed after my workout today, and when I put my pants on, I noticed that they buttoned a little easier, and when I did up my belt, I noticed the pants still fit looser even with my belt. That to me is what I would characterize as pay day. I have been good for 4 days straight, and already, the benefits, or pay day, have started to show up. The best part of it all, is that my realization today, had nothing to do with a number the scale gave me! Historically, I have lived and died by the scale. I have been able to jog, and went up 30 pounds on my bench press, able to do pull ups even though I never have in my life, but when I went to weigh, the number wasn't what where I wanted it, and I quit on me. Today, it shows I know what pay day really means, and that am growing in my long standing and stop and start journey towards better health.
I work out at the Police Department's gym because as a prosecutor, we work hand in hand with them and they granted us access to it. I was leaving and stopped to talk to the evidence tech about some stuff. We veered into weight loss and she said something that I liked. She said she is not longer looking to be the beach body hottie who is able to admire herself in the mirror naked. She just wants to feel good about herself when she looks in the mirror fully clothed. And that is fair. I know you can be healthy at a higher weight, but when you are as big as I am, you kinda want to look somewhat more normal. If I can put on a shirt and shorts and not look pregnant anymore, I am good! Plus it is more likely that I will not have a heart attack if I get rid of the bulge in the belly!
So to close, losing weight is just like a job, you work and work and eventually you get paid. But if you decide to be absent from work, well, you don't get paid.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
I have both in the distant past, and recent past, played hide and seek with the truth. For example, after i lost the 100+ pounds but then I started law school. I noticed at some point that I was starting to put weight on. But I didn't do the right thing at 18 pounds gained. No, I decided that I would just eat better even if I couldn't exercise more. But I didn't, even though I tried to convince myself I was. I have envisioned that time I stepped on the scale and saw 214 up from 196 at least a thousand times. And I ask myself every time, whydidn't you just stope the bleeding there? Why didnt you get back on the horse right then? But that is the past. I have to move on.
Or today, when I almost made the conscious decision to not track the bottle of Mountain Dew I had with lunch. Why would I do that? My thought was to keep me from going over on calories on my budget for the day. Luckily, God spoke to my conscious and told me that was not gaining me anything but a first class ticket to failing again. So I traced it. And guess what. God fixed my numbers dilemma. My wife made a delicious dish for dinner tonight as she is wont to do. And the calorie count was so low on it, the soda didn't matter!
So this is the vow. Even if it isn't to my benefit, I will be honest with myself everyday. In my workout, in my food tracking, in my goal of getting more in the Word to help Him help me.
Oh and I also want to brag on Him and me again. I was in my office and one of the guys from the Juvenile Department made me aware tat there were cupcakes from the awesomeest cupcake place in town! I passed them on the way out and had that 30 seconds of looking at them trying to figure out which one I could convince myself was the least unhealthy. Suddenly, I disengaged, and walked out ! Granted, I am not a huge sweets fan. But this was a conscious decision that would have never took place last week.
Monday, July 17, 2017
The day started off with me getting the scale out so I can see where I am starting from. I kinda dreaded it, because I haven't been eating particularly well and definitely haven't been active either. The last time I weighed like a month ago, I weighed 279 pounds. When I weighed this morning,I expected to see 280 something. However, I was at 275! I have been eating well since Saturday morning,but I didn't expect that. I should also mention I had been given some Plexus samples from my cousin. I have been taking those those since Friday morning too. I decided today that I am going go ahead and order a 30day supply and see if that is really a game changer, while also eating more healthy and getting regular exercise.
But the scale was not the miracle. Me and a friend of mine made a lunch plan for today last week before I got all gung ho about changing things up, so I kept it. But what happened next is amazing. I ordered my usual, but today, I only ate half of the plate, and I even left the leftovers at the restaurant. I know to most folks, that is nothing. But the reality is I have a food obsession and addiction that is crazy. For me to leave food on a plate and leave the food behind was an intentional act on my part ,but I fully expected to fail. I would actually characterize my food obsession/addiction more or less an instinct. I have always cleaned my plate and if I couldn't, I boxed it up. Now the reality is that I always said it was for lunch tomorrow or dinner tonight. But instinct became to just finish it off when I got back to the office. I had lots of rationalizing that helped me throughout the years. I paid money for that, and I don't want to waste it. There are starving kids in Africa, etc etc. But they were really like te lies drug addicts tell folks to cover up their addiction. It was a way to keep up chasing the next fix. Was that half plate of food left over and not taken a cure all, will I never struggle again? No, but this is a start. No skyscraper was ever built in one day.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
One of the tools I intend on using is to start back dealin with my journey by writing. I dont' intend to publish it anywhere but here ,but if some folks happen to find my blog and want to follow it or interact with me, I'd be glad to do that as well. I had a previous entry in which I said I would set an alarm on my phone about blogging. And like many of my efforts before, I didn't follow through. So before I even started typing this, I set the alarm to remind me.
I also fired up the My Fitness Pal app, and have tracked every calorie so far today. I plan on also setting various alarms on my phone so that I will check when I am calories wise so far for the day, and that can remain at the forefront of my mind for a few weeks. Because I truly believe that is the biggest difference between the first days of this blog, and the recent days. I gave my weight loss and health gain efforts much more priority back then. It was constantly on my mind. Now, with my life so much bigger than it used to be, It barely even gets in here some days at all.
That's all I can think to write at the moment. It is early afternoon, and my alarm is set for 7 to write in the blog. I may type up a quick little blurb just to get the habit started again.
Monday, May 15, 2017
I have been trying to get going on blogging better, and it hasn't really took. I think some of the issue is I tried to do it during the morning hours. I am going nuts then, so it was getting squeezed in. But the second part of that equation is that while I was thinking about my spotty blogging habits, I remembered one thing about 2010-2011 blogging that I had forgotten. I did it at night ALWAYS. And I think that is significant for a few reasons. First, I am finally wound down for the day and can devote some open ended time to it. Second, I require myself to think and focus to blog. I have severe self control issues at night, so I think at least to some signficant degree, the blogging at night helped me with my snacking in the evening issues. I have always been good for the first half of the day and the early part of the afternoon. But at night, it is a different story.
I am going to start blogging at night again. I am even going to set an alarm on my phone to get myself in the habit for a couple of weeks. I think if nothing else, it can't hurt.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Thursday, May 4, 2017
But another battle has started today already. As I was driving back from the gym, I began to feel hunger pangs. Now in non-health and fitness seeking mode, I am never hungry in the morning. Afternoons, oh yeah, but not morning. So I whipped up a protein shake the minute I stepped through the door and it filled me up pretty quick. Now the question is, will it keep me until mid-morning snack? Where is the battle you say? Well, back to it being Thursday. If I turn out to be hungry as a bear before the right time to have a snack, then I have the tendency to eat A LOT instead of a reasonable mid-morning snack. And once that happens, we all know the next step. Well, I am off track for this day already, may as well just do what I want, and start again tomorrow. And once again, we all know that is a risky proposition. Will you start again tomorrow? Maybe, but you already knocked down a block off the stack of good things you have been doing all week. Once you knock one down, what are the chances you put two or three more in its place? I hope to learn that skill, but I think the stack has to be a bit higher and more stable before I try myself right now.
I am also debating about seeing dietician, to find out how to battle another issue I face when counting calories and working out at the same time. Severe hunger. I don't mean I get kinda hungry, I mean sometimes I feel completely hollow. I know that sounds weird but it is the best way I know to describe it. I feel like if you put that famous 72 oz steak in front of me, I would eat it and see if there was any more in the back. I am guessing maybe that would be an indicator that I need to maybe up my calorie bank, but I would like someone smarter than me to tell me that so I am not just being a rationalizer.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
So basically, if I am committing to the numbers, the first and foremost I need to focus on is my calorie count. Which brings me to the second part of the equation. I need a tool to maintain focus. I have talked a lot about not looking at my past success because this is a new journey. But the reality is, there were parts of that journey I need to bring here. One of the things I was so good at was keeping up with my calorie count all day. I was borderline obsessive, which may have contributed to my burn out and choosing to quit tracking. What I do know is that to a degree that it doesn't interfere with my life, I have to be hyper-focused on calorie count to keep me from eating poorly or binging.
One of the other things I have to commit to is refocusing on the why factor. My blog title says it all about my first go around. I was trying to insure my family's future by being around longer. In no way am I saying that shouldn't be ONE of the main focuses. However, I left a couple of important folks out of that consideration last time. First, God should be the center of all we do. He gave me this wonderful life complete with the vessel I navigate through it with. He also gave me the gift of the Holy Spirit, who lives in me. My body is His temple. And I have it all junked up! Also kinda important is me. I need to recognize that all the benefits that come with a thinner body will make me happier and more able to be a better husband, father and Christian. And I can use this struggle to help others to learn.
I started getting excited about this journey a few weeks back when the pastor did a lesson and defined the old word "gilgal", used in the old testament. God told the Isrealites he was fixing to deliver them their land of milk and honey, and so where they were camped, they called it Gilgal. Literally translated, it means the place something awesome started. I feel like after all these years of whining, crying, sputtering and stopping, I finally have reached my gilgal spot. I don't know why it took so long, other than it was His plan for the greater good. And I can't wait to see what He is going to do through me and for others!!
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
So I started this blog, and I started a calorie bank and man did that work out for me. In around 10-11 months, I lost down to 196 pound from 308 I think. And to top it all off, I was running! That was a lifelong dream of mine, and I was doing it!. But then I got a little burned out from concentrating so hard on losing weight and sticking to my calorie budget. I decided I had learned a lot about how to properly eat, so I was just going to go intuitive eating rather than tracking. And about that same time, I was accepted into law school, and was going to be driving 100 miles a day 5 days a week, with classes spread out all through the day. Next to fall was my workout schedule. Then come the real struggle. Balancing law school, my family, my faith, and my finances was so frikkin' hard. And as we all know, eating can sooth the pain for a minute. But as we all also know, once that minute passes, then the guilt sets in. So now I get to deal with all the above, and the guilt of using food as a salve. And that guilt is bad enough if you are fat and always have been, but try that guilt after having finally realized so many of your dreams just a short while ago, only to give it all up to the food demons again. That guilt multiplies exponentially.
I graduated law school in 2013, and passed the bar in April 2014. I also landed the job I wanted from before law school even started. But a law degree wasn't the only thing I picked up in those 2 1/2 years. Kathy and I became foster parents to two beautiful children, adding to our already wonderful daughter Lauren. These were toddlers though, and man were they a handful. And it took all of us some adjusting. We adopted Jackie and Havic in 2015, and we are all cruising along fine. But I find myself every once in awhile a little overwhelmed. I spent many years as a bachelor and so this flurry of activity with 3 children couldn't be any more of a 180 degree turn if it tried. I am just now starting to embrace it as the blessing it is.
So now I get to the point of this post. I have let this blog languish over the years, and I think that was a mistake. I think there was a tool for me to deal with all the new and crazy and wild and stressful but oh so wonderful life Kathy and I have built together. I feel like this is essentially a cheaper version of a psychiatrist. I can come here and write about what I am dealing with. And rather than any stress I am feeling festering and causing me to engage in less than healthy behavior, I can vent here. I can "hash it out" and feel better. But even more than that, I can also use it to memorialize when I have fruitful thoughts and when I do succeed. It is kinda fun and kinda sad to go back and read my old posts from 2010 and 2011. It shows that I have the potential to work this out and become a better husband, father and Christian. I have a tool that I just haven't been using. That tool can help me stay focused on the goal and it can help me workout the hurdles between the goal and today. I just need to turn to it.
Monday, May 1, 2017
So here is the deal. I have been doing great with the consistent workouts the last couple of weeks. I actually got 5 in this past week. But it is time to both ratchet up the workouts and also begin to concentrate much harder on the quality of my nutrition. So my new add on goals are that I will not only get my cardio in on the early morning weekdays, but twice to three times a week, I lift weights at lunch or I go to the boxing class I have been attending sporadically lately. Next, I am going to start eating better quality than I have been lately. I have been in a bit of a rut in stopping at the convenience store and getting crappy food like mini pizzas or baked sub sandwiches. I am also going to start having protein shakes for breakfast with fruit in them, and healthy snacks in the office.
Next, I am going to start focusing more on numbers. I weighed this morning and I hadn't lost any or gained any since the last weigh in. I am going to weight Monday, Wednesday and Friday to sharpen my focus on the goal of dropping lbs. I will also start measuring around my belly on Mondays and Fridays. Sometimes winning shows up in different ways, and I want to be sure to have every chance to be happy about winning. I also want to start keeing tabs on my blood sugar way better than I have been. I know it is important, and I need to treat it as such.
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Monday, April 3, 2017
Now on to my surprises. First, I got up and weighed first thing this morning. I usually do that on a Friday, but I did it this morning because I wanted to get over something I have been doing. I have been hiding from the scale here lately. Sometimes subconsciously, sometimes on purpose, but the hiding has to stop. So today, I got on the scale and it turns out that I was right, the one medicine was putting the fat on me. Even with half assing it lately, I have dropped 3 pounds. So my first thought is, if I dropped 3 lbs without real effort, what if I go ahead and just do the danged thing? Stay tuned.
Second surprise was that I went up a resistance level on the bike and it definitely does hurt, but I didn't feel the big hurt until 26 minutes in. Last week, the big hurt started at 23 minutes in! I am feeling good guys! Can't wait till friday now!
Monday, March 27, 2017
The last week was about getting in at least 4 workouts, and I did. So this week, I am adding calorie tracking with MyFitnessPal. I have it set up for a 1900 calories per day goal, which is very doable. The key to this step is going to be to be completely honest and transparent in my logging. No pulling the "I'll have an apple and not put it on the MFP, it won't hurt nothing" kind of thinking. It ALL goes in and if I go over, well then do better tomorrow.
It is weird, but I seem to have a phenomenal change in attitude here lately. I am not trying to give it the "Lose weight or die trying" all out approach. I seem to have settled down and started to understand the marathon not a sprint aspect this time. I do want results fast, but the reality is that fast has never been good for me. I just go right back to old behaviors because "I am done" takes over my behavior. And I truly feel that I can attribute the new attitude to the wisdom I prayed for. I finally admit, I can't just power through this myself. I believe I honestly have an addiction to food. And that addiction to food has caused my desire to get physically fit to suffer, thereby knocking me off the path to working out. But now, I will weigh and I will track numbers, but I will continually pray that if I don't like the outcome, I don't take my eyes off the bigger picture of a year from now, 5 year from now, if I stay the course that will be the pay off. I may not lose 3 pounds this week. I may have to figure out what foods least affect my blood sugar. I may will be working on all this for the rest of my life, which is why I can't "go hard". I need to pace myself. Slow methodical and consistent change.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Monday, March 20, 2017
Tomorrow, I start tracking some numbers I've been ignoring lately. I had a BP issue at the doctors office on Tuesday, but I hadn't had my meds for a week either. And my blood sugar is going to start being more of a priority.
I'm seriously stoked to get going back at this again with that one med gone!
Sunday, March 19, 2017
There are many aspects of my ife where I depend on others, so I don't have complete control of the total equation. But the one thing that I always have control over is the decisions I make.
One of the things that I do have complete control over is the decisions I make with regards to my health and nutrition. I decide what goes in my body, I decide how committed I am to working out and staying generally active. That's really all getting shape is, series of good decisions. Put down the fast food, fire up the stove. Quit buying Little Debbie and start buying protein bars. Quit hitting up the peanut butter and jelly for an evening snack and hit the Kashi GoLean cereal. Stop reading the Facebook on iPad in the morning and evening and hit the gym or walk the block. Don't send the kids after things for you, walk and get them yourself. Decisions, decisions.
For the last 3 days, I've been concentrating on a theme. I'm stacking up good decisions one on top of the other. This weekend alone, I have taken food off my plate when Kathy made it, I've skipped cookies at church, I had a child's burger at BK instead of a double whopper. I set the alarm on my phone for 4:40 in the morning.
I'm off one of my blood sugar meds now, and by all rights, I should start seeing the results of working out now as as I eat reasonably.
This week has been about mental preparation. I have addressed some habits and mental states that I have been dealing with by basically praying for help and stacking up good choices on top of each other. But tomorrow starts the physical aspect of the journey. I'm setting my alarm for 4:40 again and starting to add up days in a row working out. Even though I hate selfies, I am going back to posting those. I'm also going to start physically writing down my plan for the week and crossing the days off as I complete them. I had a friend give me that idea last week and he is kicking butt, so it must work!
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
So I was just sitting here in another re-boot phase and thinking. Hope is not so hard to come by. I think the idea of a better you is enough to get any endeavor off the ground. But man, keeping hope alive is a delicate balance. For example, take my situation now compared to my situation in 2010-11. I had hope, and I took off with exercising and eating right,etc. I saw weight coming off, and that bred more hope. Each pound gone, every shirt size you go down, it builds on itself. But how do you build hope on nothing?
I am working on new hope. I am going to the doctor next week and attempting to see if the medicines I am on are holding me back maybe? Maybe seeing if they can send me somewhere to get the process jumpstarted. That is my newest hope. I don't need to lose 3 pounds a week, but I need to see some kind of noticable progress to keep hope alive.