So today is Day 100!!! I can't say I never imagined I would get here, cause that is not true. I felt on Day 1 and still feel today that this journey, this great trek that I have been on, was Divinely Inspired. I asked, He answered. It is really that simple folks. So I had a couple of minutes on hand this morning and I feel this was also Him talking to me, so I went back in my archives, not looking specifically for any post, but randomly decided to look at my Day 14 post. I was scrolling around looking for it and this passage from Day 13 caught my eye. I remember this day like it was yesterday and the thoughts just as clear as if they were a few minutes ago. I was fairly new to this and I had began to wonder, would food ever be an after thought? Would my menu always be cause for concern or worse even, fear? What follows is my thoughts from Day 13:
Herein lies my problem. I am honestly still hungry. Not starving, but hungry. I would say it is likely because I worked hard outside all day and my body is in a calorie deficit, but I don't want to eat. I don't want to open that door. In the past, I have always rationalized a "step off the path" for a day like today, where I got a great deal of physical activity and was low on my calorie count, so hey live a little. Go to the cook out, eat, you can get back on plan tomorrow. One thing I am determined to do is take the well known stories of my life, and change the endings. I am writing all new stories, ones with happy endings. Ones where I do fight the urges, ones where I succeed. Ones where food doesn't win. I do wonder though. And maybe Sean is the guy to ask this. Will there ever be a time when I won't THINK about food at all? I mean on the drive home, all I could think about was the fact I was hungry and that I didn't need to eat cause my bank was out. But even with that thought, I am still THINKING about food, even if it is to determine I am not going to eat it. Does that ever stop? Does food ever become ancillary to life? I don't know any other ending than failing, so I have to wonder, does winning mean not thinking about food? I realize you have to think about your choices, but does that having to think about not eating ever get beat out of you? I choose to believe it will. I know my attitudes now are so much different than they used to be towards food. I am only 13 days in and food has lost a great deal of control over me. I know that in the future, I expect that I will adapt the eat to live, not live to eat attitude. I look forward to it. It may be hard work , there may be bad days, but I will get there! As for now, still hungry, still thinking about NOT EATING! So I am filling up on water and fixing to go to bed. I almost fell prey to the "Shane's rationalization" bug a few minutes ago and I don't wanna do that! So I will chalk this day up to another test and say I believe I passed it. I am yawning my fool head off, so I better sign off here. Please, keep on inspiring me, and I will try to do the same for you!!!!
I can honestly say, I know the answer now. Yes, thinking about food does diminish greatly. I am not to the point that it is ALWAYS ancillary, but I can go for hours without a thought of it. I ain't at the destination, but I am on the tracks!
So all that is above this, I wrote on early Saturday morning. Now I have a P.S. to ad to it. I had an incredibly active day today and by 4 o'clock, I was famished. I am going to be completely honest, I know I went over calorie wise today. Not sure by how much, but I know I did. That being said, it wasn't a ton o' crap food that I went over with. And, it wasn't an emotional thing. I seriously made a conscious decision to open the gate a little and just let myself go from 4 o'clock on tonight. I ate some cajun peanuts out of the shell, some grapes, I had my dinner of grilled chicken breast and some spinach, my yogurt, I even sampled some spaghetti that Kathy made for her and Lauren, then my usual yogurt. Of all that I allowed myself today, the worse was a bowl of sweet cereal. Here is the thing. I am not the least bit scared that I opened a door. It was a conscious decision. Not a sneaking up on me thing, not a emotionally fueled binge, Heck I would hardly even really call it a binge, I had eaten around 645 calories up to that time, so I don't think I went well over my 1800 calorie limit, but I was seriously famished and just let myself get more fuel than usual on purpose.
You guys who follow me regularly, do you have any thoughts on this? I feel like I am a pretty strong person and this is in now way a danger to my future. But I would like an objective opinion or two from you guys. My focus doesn't feel compromised, in fact, my last thought before bed was won't happen again for at least two months there buddy. Do you guys think dropping your guard on occasions is a good idea, assuming you are strong enough to put it back up every time?
Ok guys, I want to ask you a favor. Go visit my new friend, Angela and give her some encouragement please. She has been at it for awhile but has no followers to encourage her and cheer her on. Pretty please go show her some blogger love. I bet she would appreciate it very much! and so would I. Thanks, ya'll are the best.
Posted by Shane G. at 7:24 PM