Losing It For The Family

Losing It For The Family

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Day 13 Working the Day Away, Visiting the Night Away

Can you say sunbuuuuuuurn? Oh man, I screwed up. I got out early this morning to get my lawn work done, but there were mechanical issues with my mower, so I had to fix it before I could mow. Well the delay put me behind and I was so focused on getting the yards mowed today that I forgot to put sunblock on!! I got the yards all mowed, the a/c units that didn't work loaded up, and the weed killer sprayed on my back yard.

I was so focused because Kathy and I were going to our friends the Hunter's for a small cook out get together. I was hamburgers and hot dogs and it was yummy. I planned ahead for it and I saved 1300 calories in my bank to take over there. I am glad to say, I was successful in sticking with that even through temptation. Jason makes really good burgers and sausage balls and I knew the test of my resolve would be at hand when I got there. But I had made my mind up, I would enjoy the food, but in reasonable quantities. So I had two sausage balls, two burgers, and two hot dogs for a total of 980 calories ( it was turkey hot dogs and the burger patties are small as are the buns) and was still 320 calories in the black, so I had two spoonfuls of the homemade ice cream that Izetta brewed up. I figured it for 100 calories. Prolly high but that is my motto, guess high when in doubt! So that left just enough room for a sliver of the vanilla creme cake Kathy bought to take over there and I had about a 1 inch sliver for what I guessed at 150 calories. I ate a couple of carrot sticks with ranch and that was the balance of my bank for the day.

Herein lies my problem. I am honestly still hungry. Not starving, but hungry. I would say it is likely because I worked hard outside all day and my body is in a calorie deficit, but I don't want to eat. I don't want to open that door. In the past, I have always rationalized a "step off the path" for a day like today, where I got a great deal of physical activity and was low on my calorie count, so hey live a little. Go to the cook out, eat, you can get back on plan tomorrow. One think I am determined to do is take the well known stories of my life, and change the endings. I am writing all new stories, ones with happy endings. Ones where I do fight the urges, ones where I succeed. Ones where food doesn't win. I do wonder though. And maybe Sean is the guy to ask this. Will there ever be a time when I won't THINK about food at all? I mean on the drive home, all I could think about was the fact I was hungry and that I didn't need to eat cause my bank was out. But even with that thought, I am still THINKING about food, even if it is to determine I am not going to eat it. Does that ever stop? Does food ever become ancillary to life? I don't know any other ending than failing, so I have to wonder, does winning mean not thinking about food. I realize you have to think about your choices, but does that having to think about not eating ever get beat out of you? I choose to believe it will. I know my attitudes now are so much different than they used to be towards food. I am only 13 days in and food has lost a great deal of control over me. I know that in the future, I expect that I will adapt the eat to live, not live to eat attitude. I look forward to it. It may be hard work , there by be bad days, but I will get there! As for now, still hungry, still thinking about NOT EATING! So I am filling up on water and fixing to go to bed. I almost fell prey to the "Shane's rationalization" bug a few minutes ago and I don't wanna do that! So I will chalk this day up to another test and say I believe I passed it. I am yawning my fool head off, so I better sign off here. Please, keep on inspiring me, and I will try to do the same for you!!!!

4 comments:

  1. A little personal thing, from one big dude to another. Not medical facts, just my fat ass. The Ice cream and the cake were the killers and made you hungry. Sugar spike. I bet this morning you wake up starving also. Big guys can't eat the sugar, insulin thing, and a waste of calories. You know the drill, more watermelon and veggies, not cake and ice cream. No matter what diet you are on, I personally, and just me, think that Ice cream and cake in any quantity will lead to your down fall. No big deal, a new day today !! All the best

    ReplyDelete
  2. Allan you may well be right, but I know that if I don't ever eat those things, I will one day begin a binge on them. Then I will beat myself up for that and binge again on other foods, then all that I work for will go down the drain. What you are saying makes sense, but I have to account for failures past and work with this somehow.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't know the answer to your question of ever stopping thinking about food. My feeling is that if you've ever been addicted to food and it has controlled you, it's just like it is with a recoving alcoholic or drug addict. They say that not a day goes by where they don't think about it, want it, and backsliding is just a taste away. I do hope it is at least easier with food, where we are more comfortable and know the right choices to make.

    I know that I will never gain back the weight I lose. It made me feel so bad emotionally for so long, and it is just too hard to lose.

    But, yes, I do think about food all the time. And, like you, it s what can I eat, what shouldn't I eat, what did I eat, and what might I eat. Plus more. (Sigh.)

    I think we're on the right track, though.

    ReplyDelete