I had the craziest week. I had some kind of meeting 3 days this week and on one day I had 3 meetings. All of these meetings were out of office meetings, and all but one offered free food. I set out hoping to just avoid eating at all of them, but realized that is an unrealistic expectation for me. I changed the idea to be reasonable in my eating, be ok with one serving and leaving some on the plate if they portions are prepared for me. I am not going to lie, on each of those days I thought I had tanked my calorie bank before I made it home to actually log my caloric intake for the day. I am not going to lie that each one of those days, I was shocked to find I had done a great job staying in the bank!
This made me think about a couple of things. First, why did I presume failure when I was off my routine? I was using my good judgment, getting small portions, getting the healthiest options. But with no time to actually get calorie counts on the fly, I drove home presuming if I wanted to stay within the calorie goal, I would have to ask Kathy for smaaaaallll portions for supper. On all three days I was just fine when I got home. In fact, I was in the area of calories taken in for the day that I normally was in by the time I get home. You would think day 1, it is reasonable to believe that I was over, day 2 a little less believable, and by day 3, I would KNOW that I had done a good job making decision outside of my routine. Why can't I believe in me?
The other thing I was thinking about is why do I not have the ability to believe that my healthier choices are less caloric than my old choices? I may go over 2000 calories once or twice a week nowadays and never by more than 100 or so calories. But without fail, and even with the numbers written down in black and white, I believe I ate more calories than I really did. Another thing I believe is that despite the quality of food being better and less caloric, if I didn't end the day starving a little, I got fatter over night. I kid you not, I wake up each day and do this one weird thing. I get both my pillows out from under my head, lay flat on the bed, and check to see if after I place my hand on my sternum and run it down my belly, there is a drop off after the sternum. I started off with a rise after my sternum, and I now have a noticeable drop off after my sternum. But I check it every day presuming that the drop off will be gone and the uphill will be back.
I tell you what, the more I think, the more I worry about how broken I am.......