Saturday, June 9, 2012
So as some have noticed, I tailed off on my blogging after a lot of sound and fury apparently signifying nothing. I cannot figure out what it was that got me going so strong last time. It just isn't happening for me. I have sat around contemplating it, and have come up with no solid answers. I only have one theory. I am not handling the stress of my life very well. and so I hang on to the idea of eating my stress away. Another thing that occurred to me is that until I started contemplating this thing, I never really acknowledged my stress. I am that guy that has to be put together and capable all the time. No chinks in this guy's armor you know. But once I started thinking about this whole failure to get back on track, it occurred to me, yeah, I am stressed and there are chinks. I hate to write a whiny post and if you blow past it after few sentences, that is fine. I am really just trying to get this out in black and white, more for me than for anything. First and foremost, it really does seem like I am languishing right now. I am next to positive that I will be a capable attorney. However, I can't do that until I finish law school and pass the bar. But that seems so far away and my family has needs now! I want to provide well for my family, I want to be able to be generous within the community, I want to do so many things, but I am handcuffed! No money, a life that is busy without financial fruit, always having to be congnizant of what money is being spent and what money is going to be coming in. It weighs on my mind constantly! With me not working, the stress I felt before is now exponentially worse! Second, I have somehow become my mom's fascination. She thinks I should just run down there every chance I get and hang out with her. And I don't deny I love to spend time with her, but with all my family obligations, my school obligations, church obligations, then the other smaller miscellaneous obligations, it seems like there is pretty much no Shane time. If there happens to be some, it usually comes at the expense of another obligation and I feel guilty when I am "relaxing". Third is my health issue. I am declining in my fitness as I put on pounds that I thought for sure were gone forever. I am hurting in my hips and knees, I am not able to run anymore without major consequences the next day. To have lost the majority of my progress depresses me. and so when I get depressed, I tend to eat to compensate. So that eating and not as much exercising means I go even further away from the good health I was enjoying! self perpetuating failure I say! So wow. having put all that out there feels like some sort of release. I feel better now that I have admitted I am not Superman, and I do have chinks that need to be fixed, but not by eating. I need to learn to deal with those chinks, and admit them and challenge them! Ok, I have decided this. No more long term goals right now. I will have a good day TODAY. That is my goal. Here I go!