I am suddenly beginning to become acutely aware of a lot of things. My wife went on a camping trip with the Girl Scout troop she is the co-leader of last night, so after I got the kids to bed, I had a few minutes to think and unfortunately over eat too. The weird thing thing is, while i was overeating, I was actually completely conscious of it. Like I was analyzing the action while doing it. Always when I get off in binge mode, it is almost animalistic. I just dive into it, it is instinctual. Then afterwards, I become human Shane again and then begin to analyze it. But last night I was cognizant of the fact I was doing it. I took a few minutes after finally regaining my composure to think about it some more. And I realized something odd.
We all know that if you are an addicted eater, you have a Jekyll and Hyde nature. On the one hand, you have that part of you that is good, and wants to do the right thing and eat well. On the other, you have that part of you that wants to give in, do the easy and fun thing! But here is something I realized about myself last night. It doesn't matter which one of those guys wins, I have feelings of failure when ever I eat anything after 4 or 5 o'clock. It could be 20 almonds, or a half of a cheesecake. If I eat anything after supper, and sometimes even supper does it, I feel guilty. I can eat completely healthy all day, and completely healthy at supper, and completely healthy in any snack after supper, and still I feel like a failure for eating anything. I literally can't win if I am jekyll and can't win if I am Hyde!! The worst part is, I don't know how to fix that. These last 3 days of blogging have led me to believe I need a therapist!
Therapy has been an invaluable thing for me. I totally relate to this "Jekyll and Hyde" dynamic.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing, sir. You're making some incredible discoveries.
2nd what Sean said. I cycled the addiction my whole life and while I learned the "mechanics" of why I binged, learned what was a good nutritional fit food wise, it wasn't until I was exactly where you are (binging WITH awareness) that I knew I needed help of a therapist. Looking back, I can honestly say, it changed my life. To finally have the puzzle pieces I'd searched for.
ReplyDeleteExcited for you to be in this place. The best part? You don't know how to fix that. Life changes when we admit we don't know. Cheering for you!
As a fellow believer struggling in the" doing what I don't want to do department "(ie bingeing), may I direct you to Romans 7? I have found it helpful as I have dealt with this behaviour.
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