I come from rough beginnings. I had a heck of a life growing up. But despite all the sorrows of my youth, I seem to have always been able to transcend the situation. I seem to have always been able to say "eh, that happened. Now on to living the rest of my life." And quite frankly, I consider myself a tough guy. But now I am starting to wonder. I have never put much stock in the whole "I am a mess because of my past" theory. And I still am not ready to buy into the idea that you cannot function because of it. But I will come off my notion enough to say that your past may be able to effect you in some ways. Not to delve into details, but I have been adopted twice, I was passed around a lot as a child, and in some stops I was abused or neglected. I never let that stop me from being somewhat productive as a member in society. I was an overcomer. But now I am starting to believe that despite being a go getter and hard charger, some of the stuff I have seemingly let slide off my back has come home to roost.
I had an epiphany as I told you yesterday. I feel guilty about the fact I made it. I kept thinking about that yesterday. And I discovered I may also feel unworthy of a life that has suddenly become much less tumultuous. I have a wife that loves me, a step daughter that tolerates me. I am working at my dream job, I don't cringe every time I have to spend money now. The foster children we have had made me smile to be able to help someone. My church life and spiritual health are better than they have ever been in my whole entire life! But somewhere along the way, did I buy into the idea that I am not worthy of anything good? I mean I clawed and scratched and spent hours and days and months and years aiming for where I am today, how can I convince myself I don't deserve it? It was earned, not given.
Is it true? Could my will not be my own? Can what others have thought of me in the past really attach so strongly that I can't be happy for my achievement? That as Sean said, I can't be ok with the idea that I may be exceptional? A funny story. After I read Sean's comments, I made a conscious effort to say to myself "I may be exceptional. I did something not many do" and I kid you not when I said that it literally caused a physical response when I let myself think it. My chest tightened even thinking it. In fact, it just tightened when I typed it. How on earth can I begrudge myself my achievement?
I truly believe that all of us are affected in some way. The "good or bad" of this effect, in my opinion, is determined by the beliefs we strengthen about ourselves over the course of our lifetime. In my experience, everything we do, see, touch, feel, communicate, understand--is filtered through a screen of self-beliefs and the effect is strong or less, depending on the strength of the belief we hold about ourselves. And this inner belief certainly doesn't have to be something conscious and deliberate--in fact, most of the time it's subconscious and consistent. Changing a lifetime "tape" that plays in our head--telling us who we are and what we deserve or don't, for whatever reason....is a tough thing to do. It's not impossible... I believe the first thing it takes is obviously, awareness. Most people will live their entire life without being aware of the role their inner beliefs about themselves played in the unfolding of their lives... You're aware. And it doesn't surprise me that you experienced a physical reaction when you attempted to process something diametrically opposed to your lifetime inner-belief "filter." This is a major first step--awareness. An important thing to remember is, this inner belief we hold isn't FACT. It's largely made up of emotions...and when it has a limiting effect, because of a negative slant--it's important to be aware that this was built and affected by our fears and imagination...
ReplyDeleteIt's taken me a lot of living with these dynamics---and a good deal of therapy to understand and dissect some of these concepts...and I'm still learning--and always will.
You are exceptional in more ways than one. You just are, period. The quicker you embrace your reality of this, the sooner you'll be free to benefit from its truth...and from what I know about you--when you benefit, everyone around you does too. It's a pleasure to read the details of your revival. You, my friend, are unlocking some major things along this road.