I think I have talked about this before. I at one time had a small bout of anxiety, if you can call anxiety small. I mean I had weird things going on. Like I would feel like I was having a heart attack anytime I was about to walk into a Wal Mart. Seriously. It was Wal Mart specific. Being honest, I probably turned around at the doors and went home like 10 times. And if I did go in, I was always feeling like I was fixing to die. But one day, I faced that fear. I said hey, how ridiculous is this? You know what, despite my feeling that I am going to die the whole time, have I ever actually died? Huh, it doesn't appear so. I'm standing here talking to myself ain't I? (but that is a whole different issue... haha). And literally from that day forward, any time I had anxiety, I would ask myself, how ridiculous is this?
I won't pretend that I don't have the beginnings of anxiety attacks anymore, but they don't control my life. I don't stop what I am doing and run away. I just recognize it for what it is, and go on. Another thing that helped, I had to admit that I had anxiety. As in I told people about it. I OWNED it. Too often, issues or situations own us because we are too scared to face them or to even admit to others that we have them. I am a proud man and didn't want anybody to know I had a weakness. But the minute I found the courage to talk to my friends about it, I gained power over it. Then I began to make it a bit of a joke, and I gained even more power over it.
What of it you say? I think the thing that I am facing now that has me paralyzed is my fear of failing AGAIN. Sure I have shown a handful of times how great I am at losing weight. But that isn't the end goal is it? The end goal is keeping it off. And I have shown a handful of times I cannot. Kinda cancels out the successes in my mind. But you know what, screw that. I might fail again. It is cliche I know, but the true measure of success isn't whether you fell, but did you get back up, dust off and try again. I am afraid of failing. There I said it. I have achieved so much in the last few years, that I feel like failing anything would prove me a fraud. No more. I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get back on that horse until it is broke!
My last post, I made it a point to say that I needed to pick a point to start working on. I chose activity. Yes I am only two days in, but so far, it has been successful. Monday, I came home and push mowed my front yard for about 45 minutes after supper. Tuesday, I came home and after supper, Lauren and I went for a walk around the block twice. That is a little over a mile and it took about 20 minutes. After that, I got the weed sprayer out and hit the front yard. After that, I helped Lauren practice her serve for volleyball and then we worked on her passing. All told, I exceeded my 30 minute goal by about 30 minutes!! And that is all well and good, but the thing I took away from it was a sense of pride in succeeding TODAY!
The clarity you're experiencing and the awareness you're exhibiting is beyond incredible. What a pleasure to read and witness your revival. This renewal makes this trek different than any time before. You're not doing the same thing, Shane. Look at the perspectives you've shifted--you're enhanced, my friend. It's the ones who struggle but keep fighting, they keep learning--they stay the course--these are the ones most inspiring to me. You're one of them--and I'm proud to be on the team too!
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