I had the craziest week. I had some kind of meeting 3 days this week and on one day I had 3 meetings. All of these meetings were out of office meetings, and all but one offered free food. I set out hoping to just avoid eating at all of them, but realized that is an unrealistic expectation for me. I changed the idea to be reasonable in my eating, be ok with one serving and leaving some on the plate if they portions are prepared for me. I am not going to lie, on each of those days I thought I had tanked my calorie bank before I made it home to actually log my caloric intake for the day. I am not going to lie that each one of those days, I was shocked to find I had done a great job staying in the bank!
This made me think about a couple of things. First, why did I presume failure when I was off my routine? I was using my good judgment, getting small portions, getting the healthiest options. But with no time to actually get calorie counts on the fly, I drove home presuming if I wanted to stay within the calorie goal, I would have to ask Kathy for smaaaaallll portions for supper. On all three days I was just fine when I got home. In fact, I was in the area of calories taken in for the day that I normally was in by the time I get home. You would think day 1, it is reasonable to believe that I was over, day 2 a little less believable, and by day 3, I would KNOW that I had done a good job making decision outside of my routine. Why can't I believe in me?
The other thing I was thinking about is why do I not have the ability to believe that my healthier choices are less caloric than my old choices? I may go over 2000 calories once or twice a week nowadays and never by more than 100 or so calories. But without fail, and even with the numbers written down in black and white, I believe I ate more calories than I really did. Another thing I believe is that despite the quality of food being better and less caloric, if I didn't end the day starving a little, I got fatter over night. I kid you not, I wake up each day and do this one weird thing. I get both my pillows out from under my head, lay flat on the bed, and check to see if after I place my hand on my sternum and run it down my belly, there is a drop off after the sternum. I started off with a rise after my sternum, and I now have a noticeable drop off after my sternum. But I check it every day presuming that the drop off will be gone and the uphill will be back.
I tell you what, the more I think, the more I worry about how broken I am.......
I wouldn't say "broken", but rather "under repair". The habit of "failure" is incredibly strong and so it only makes sense that our brains anticipate failure when it comes to eating healthy.
ReplyDeleteIf you didn't have these issues then to me that would be a problem.
You're not weird or strange, you're normal and aware. You might be affected, like most all of us, but not broken. You, my friend--are in discovery mode--and you're finding your path--a path where life does its thing--and the fundamental elements of your recovery and well being does its thing---parallel to one another. As you go--and you discover more--and you have instances, like what you've described above with your calorie bank--you'll gain confidence. Believe in you. It can be tough. We know ourselves better than anyone--we know how we work... Your awareness is strong. I applaud you. Being affected isn't bad, it simply personalizes your approach. I'll not be able to lay in bed feeling my sternum without thinking of you, now. LOL Have a great Sunday, Shane!
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