The Part That Sux

I am cruising along in this renewed effort at getting back in shape, eating better, etc. But the part of it that sux is not fighting myself from eating, binging, whatever. What I really really hate is when I am legitimately hungry. I don't have a real formula per se, but I try to do like a 300-400 calorie breakfast, maybe 600 between morning snack and lunch, and then try to save a 1000 for the mid afternoon snack, supper and if it is there, a night snack. But I really hate when I get that "groooooowwwwwllll" around 3, and I am already at a net of 1000 calories. I used to try to move calories around and say no snack since I am eating now. but that never really seems to work for me. I do the too early eating and then still have an evening snack. I usually try to get myself in the mode of thinking that I am hungry because I have done a good job not eating too many calories and that it means I am in a calorie deficit right now. do any of you have the same issue?

Habit Forming Can Go Either Way For Me

Have you ever had a trait that was both a blessing and a curse? I have one that helped get me going on the road to weight loss and also helped knock me off of it. I form habits very easily. It doesn't take much. For example, today, I went out before first light and ran a mile. I hadn't been running outside of a morning because it wasn't light yet, but now that I did it once, I will way more than likely keep doing it. That is all it takes is a small breach into something to get me to do it regularly. Sounds great when that breach means I will now go out and run even if it isn't light yet. But it goes both ways. Say for example that on my long drive home next week, when I have ran that morning and had my now truncated calorie intake for the day. If I am starving when I head out for the hour drive home, and I say look this starving thing is ridiculous, I will just pull off the interstate, hit the McDonalds in Greenland real quick for some nuggets, and that will take care of that. Well like i said, if I do something once, it is likely to become a habit. So tomorrow, even if I am not one little bit of hungry, since I stopped yesterday to get nuggets, I am way more likely to just do it again. So as you can see, with great power comes great responsibility..... haha. I just know this. Now that I am back and tracking along real good, the road blocks I was setting up to make me fail are not so hard to run now. It is not hard for me to walk through the kitchen and never open the refrigerator door anymore, it is not hard for me to make the choice to whip out my phone and check calorie values on food when we are out and about, and it is not hard for me to go ahead, get my shoes on, and head out the door for a walk or a run. Next up, regular gym visits!

Take Them As They Come

One of the hardest things about setting a long term goal is that it most often becomes hard to keep sight of, and when we aren't at that end goal fast enough for us, we lose our focus on the goal and our efforts to get there lose their momentum. For me, the key is to not only focus on getting to that goal, but to recognize the mile markers along the way. As I said before, my first big goal is to hit 249 on the scale. I am not there yet obviously, but over the past two days, I have recognized two wonderful mile markers along the way that make me realize that while I am not too very close to that destination, I am seeing some cool points of interest along the way! For example, yesterday, when I put on my XL fleece jacket to go out, it wasn't as tight around my mid-section as it has been being. Or today, when I put on my 36 waist jeans that were on the verge of fitting snugly a week or so ago, I had to go back and find my belt to keep them from falling off me. And back to my sternum obsession, my hand most definitely took a downward slope when I did my sternum check before getting out of bed this morning. So am I at goal? No. But I am most definitely seeing some progress!! UnderArmour hoodie, you are mine and just don't know it yet.

Being Presumptuous

I am one of those people that may have been born a little too late. I still believe in polite society where everyone is more worried about the person next to them than they are themselves. I am a very generous person, and if you ask me for anything ever, if it is within my power to give it to you, it is yours. But my pet peeve in life is presumptuous people. People that just think that they have things coming to them. For example, people that I let out of a parking lot or side street when traffic is just crazy backed up. I make it a point to wave at least once when someone lets me out, and usually I do it twice; once before I pull out, and then I do another wave after I get going in front of them. So it really burns my butt when I let someone out who I saw waiting for sometime while others did not, and then I get no acknowledgement at all from them. They apparently thought, no it isn't like that guy gave me a break, took it upon himself to let me out when others had not, I just had that coming to me. So anyway, back to topic. As you can see, I do not like presumptuous folks. But there is a time for being presumptuous, like when you think you are going to be faced with a challenge that you will not be able to meet. For example, say you and your family are out Black Friday shopping, and you just know that before you can do anything about it, there will be a food stop before you can ever get home to known calorie values. Now, it is easy to assume that you will probably fail the test of eating healthy, and give up the idea that you can leave some food on the tray or plate or whatever. Ooooooor, you can become presumptuous as all get out, and trust and believe that no, in fact the above described scenario is not a foregone conclusion, but rather the foregone conclusion is that you will make a great food choice, you will track the calories, and you will make it a point to leave half the waffle fries on the tray (all this being purely hypothetical of course). Yes sir, if you were to be one of them presumptuous people, I believe that would just about the best time to do it.

Rewards

I am a little retarded, but I am ok with it. I weighed in at 266.6 when I set off to get back on the path. I wrote that on a dry erase board that hangs in the entry way to my bedroom. That number is at the top, my first big goal of 249 is at the bottom. Written next to the 249 is two words. UnderArmour Hoodie. That is my reward for getting to 249 lbs. Guess what. I am obsessed with it. I think about the hoodie multiple times a day. I envision me wearing it while I am walking. It is my life right now. I live to wear that hoodie. Guess what I don't obsess about now? Food.

How did I ever forget how great this feeling is?

So today I am full of energy! I have been quickly getting my hyperness back online and it feels great! I remember when I was at my thinnest always being in go mode. one of the lamentations I have had over the past few months is how willing I am to come home, find my recliner, and wear it out! I woke up this morning and was not exactly all smiles, but after I got my first cup of coffee in me, I was suddenly a ball of energy that couldn't sit down for anything!! That is awesome because I have that energy, but not so awesome in that I needed to do homework today. Not looking too good for that right now... haha. So after I finished cup #2, I sprang into action. I got all the trash out, got the recycle loaded in my truck and ready to be taken to the drop off. I made a to do list of stuff I needed to for sure get done today and stuff that Kathy had asked me to do for sure today. So while I was waiting for the bank to open, since it was a pivot point of my morning plans not at the house, I decided to go ahead and get the leaves for the table down and inserted for tomorrow. After that, it was late enough for me to go do my banking through the drive through. I finished that, took the cans to sell, the recycle to drop off, and then headed home. I have a plan for Turkey day break. I am doing a 5k walk a day for three days in a row. The day before, the day of, and the day after. I got home and figured out my day and realized I had better go ahead and do the day before 5k ASAP so that I didn't get caught up and not do it. So off I headed. I forgot how great it is to just get out and move and think for a whole hour!! So when I finished that up, I hit a quick fruit and lunchmeat snack to help me recover from a 3 mile walk, and then decided it was time to fix the chairs. Now a week ago I would have been wiped out and channel surfing would have been the order for the remainder of the day. I actually spent two hours working on my chairs getting them fixed right this time. all that to say this. Why did I ever let my determination and vigor go to the way side and get my stupid self overweight and underexercised yet again? How could I have ever forgotten how crappy that felt and how great the energetic Shane felt? Falling back to my hindsight post, never again will I ever lose that sight!! I will keep moving and eating better for the remainder of my life!!

The Sternum

I am a dork and I will freely admit it. I have lots of quirks. One of which is my obsession with my sternum. When I was working at getting to the mountaintop, I had a couple of "progress tests" I did all the time. First was when I woke up, I would place my hand on my sternum, and then move my hand down to my belly, checking for the "slope". In the beginning the "slope" was up from the sternum. However as I progressed, the hand started going "downhill". It was exciting when the sternum drop off became a cliff!! I also remember many family members expressing concern about the lump that was my sternum when I would hug them. They had gotten so used to my belly being the point of contact that the lump bothered them I guess! I even could feel it plainly and easily standing up just by quick touch. ONe of the thing I used to do while climbing back up the scales was to feel my sternum. I had rationalized myself into believing as long as it was still where could touch it, I was not putting on too much weight, right? Wrong. so added to the goal list, make friends with my sternum once again. get him out of that hidey hole and poking my relatives once again!!

I require goals

A great deal of soul searching and deep thought have gone into my analysis of how I fell from what I considered the mountain top. I think it is seriously as simple as I met all my goals without setting up concrete and solid new goals. I require goals for me to stay focused and centered. Often times when I was working out or running or tracking calories, I had an end goal in mind. For example, each weigh in, I would set my sights on the next number I wanted to see come up on the scale. Each run, I would set a new goal for time or distance to reach by X date. Each time I logged calories, I set my sights on keeping that number under X amount for the day. One of my big grand picture goals was to get below 200 pounds. I can recall the day I did that and the pride and joy that I felt. I beamed for days after that! But after that goal was met, I never set a new one. In fact, that may have actually been the unraveling point for me. I had put a lot of energy and effort into getting there, and quite frankly, I was a little tired from all the effort. So that was when I made the conscious effort to be "intuitive" about my eating and exercising. Worst. Choice. Ever. So in hindsight and in forward sight I have decided that goals goals goals is what I require to get to where I want AND to stay there. So here is my first list of goals to get me going. I write them down to make them real rather than abstract: 1. I love running. I want to run, whatever distance or speed, every day or at minimum 5 days a week. right now I am limited to 1/2 a mile which is the distance around my block if I am on the road, or I can run a mile straight on a no incline treadmill. I want the numbers to increase each week, as in better time, speed and distance than I ran last Friday. 2. Daily calorie goal is set at 2000, but actually aiming for more in the 1700-1800 area. 3. My first weight goal is to get out of the 260's ASAP. I have a dry erase board that has my 266.4 lbs written at the top right now and my actual big picture first goal of 249 lbs. written at the bottom. I intend to weigh on Fridays and Mondays. I hope to be down at least 1 pound by Friday.

Hindsight is 20/20

We all have done it. Taken a course of action, and after all was said and done, we wish we had known X while we were doing it, wish we had done X instead of Y, etc etc. Take for example, oh I don't know, my recent weight loss success followed by my following weight gain failure. I am no statistician, but I would bet money that the rate of recidivism in weight loss success is pretty big. Hindsight, while usually a bane of our existence, in these instances is an integral tool in picking yourself up and dusting yourself off, taking the gained knowledge, and moving forward. I now know that I can't just stop counting calories, and slack off on my exercise. It is not the formula for successful weight loss and maintenance. I am required to remain vigilant, if not hyper-vigilant, for the rest of my born days. I have no stop sign. It is s wide open road that requires me to keep my eyes open and look for bumps in the road, oncoming traffic, and other highway dangers. I didn't know that before, but now I do. Hindsight, I may not like where I am now, but with your help, I can get the "recalculating" prompt on my GPS, and not miss my turns anymore.

Amnesia

When I played sports, one of the things I was taught is that while playing, you have to develop selective amnesia. Missed tackle? Forget it, don't let it affect you, run the next play. I think that lesson applies to this journey as well. Every running back, even Emmitt Smith has fumbled the ball, every great QB, like Joe Montana, has thrown an interception. Nobody has ever performed flawlessly throughout their whole life or career. What makes the great ones great is that selective amnesia. They shook it off, they ran the next play. Where I stand right now is that i am extremely frustrated with myself and what I have become. A little over a year ago, I walked out my door, turned on my iPod, and took off jogging down the road, generally for 3 miles or more. I just finished a WALK of a mile, and I feel it in my legs and back and abs. However, in my mind, I can still run. So going out and not being able to run gets to me. I have to shake it off. I have to run the next play. I will not be throwing a Hail Mary pass today. This series, this set of plays is about the short run to get the first down, so that I can get the next set of downs that will let me get a little bit closer to the endzone. I need to come to grips with where I am, and stop letting it get to me. Because when I don't, I get the "what is the point in playing" attitude. That is when my guard gets let down, and that is when I do not give my all the next play.

Once an addict, always and addict

the AA folks have always said it, and now I know it to be true. You can never think ou have an addiction beat. Ever. Once you are an addict, you are always and addict. I am not an alcoholic, but I am a foodaholic. Food is my answer to everything. I have an monkey on my back for life obviously. I really thought I could let down my guard a little after i got sub 200. At first I didn't do anything outlandish, I just didn't eat lose weight portions, I ate normal portions. I didn't avoid snacks like the plague, but had them every other day or so. I should have gotten wise when even though I wasn't eating excessively, I was putting on a pound here and there, I was not fitting the same in my new shirts, etc. But I didn't. Why? probably because I was so happy to have my old friend back. Bad days, stressed out, good days, happy as can be= hey it is a small snack, it won't do any harm. I also have a tendency to get lazy after doing so well exercise wise. Would that be an addiction to sedentary lifestyle? I dunno. I honestly don't know that i am lazy per se, I think I lose my energy when I gain weight. I drove everyone crazy when I was thinner, I was always wanting to do something physical. I was just so energetic!!! That may be the thing I miss most. i was always hyper. I liked it! so knowing all this, I know my mission. I have to accept the monkey is there and I will for my whole life have to be vigilant against his attacks.

He does it again

If you go back to my very first post, you will see that one person's story, his courage and his determination was the reason I undertook the huge challenge of losing weight and getting fit. if you have my blog in your feed and follow it, you also know that after my success, I had failure as well. I did not stick to my guns, I did not fight the good fight and I did not win the race...... yet. The guy that encouraged me to choose the change has recently announced that he too has suffered a set back. And after an extended leave of absence in blogging, he has chosen to return to that tool that was so instrumental in his journey, his blog. I welcome his return with more excitement and zeal than is probably proper. I feel as though my rut that seems so hopeless, and has left me forlorn for so many months, may be in its last throws, that I may soon find the courage and strength and determination to get my self headed back down to sub 200 pounds again! I lament my friend's predicament, but at the same time, I look forward to encouraging him as he climbs the hill back to the top. Likewise, I look forward to making the climb myself. at 60-65 lbs. gained back, I am not particularly happy with myself. I continue to make poor choices and let food control my reactions when it is present. No more. Today, that ends. I will return to my dedication to blogging, to tracking and to exercising. I will do it for me and for my friend, so that the guy that helped me so much has a partner to help him back to the promised land.

Day 15 & 16 Found and Lost and Found Again Maybe?

All through my youth, I was never a runner. Not a fast runner, not a distance runner. Running just sucked. Somewhere along the way in v1.0, I decided that walking was too boring for me now. So I took up jogging. I remember it was a day in March. I had dropped my wife and her mom off to get their nails done, and went to the park where I had taken to walking on their 3/4 mile path. I decided well I am just going to jog a lap, then walk the next mile and a half. So I took off in a nice easy jog, expecting to be winded about 1/4 down the way and gut out the last half mile. But I did not get winded. In fact, I finished that lap, and then I was feeling so good, I did another! And that day, the runner I never knew was in me peaked his head out and said hi. From that point, running became an obsession. I ran 6 days a week. I got better and better and better. I won second place in my first 5k. I was feeling great!! Every morning, I was read to run. Then along came law school, and I had an 8 a.m. class. Not a big deal right? well the thing is, I go to school 55 miles away. I also had to catch a bus after I got to the parking lot to get up to campus. I was having to leave at 6 just to be sure not to be late for class. And there went my running habit. I have lamented losing my runner every since I have gotten out of the habit. But it was not anybody else's fault but my own. If I had been diligent, I would have started running at night, or found some other way to make it happen. but I didn't. I didn't defend the part of me I had found so dear. I say all that to say this. Thursday night, Kathy made me go to the gym with her. It was not a hey do you want to go, it was get your shoes on, you have done nothing all day so you are going to the gym with me. Needed that. So we get there and it is pretty full. There happens to be one treadmill left. I hop it and start walking. But that was not very fulfilling. So I decided to jog a LIGHT jog. So for the next twenty minutes, I alternated between walking 5 minutes and jogging 5 minutes. It felt good! real good. So we headed out to the gym again on Saturday, and again, I hopped the treadmill. This time, it was the same pace, but I jogged for ten straight minutes. walked a bit, then jogged either 3 or 4 more minutes!! I started to remember that feeling, and man was I loving it again! I love when all my muscles are working in concert while I run. I just feel like a machine!! I didn't run this morning because 1. I got up late and we have church and 2. my hamstrings are killing me! But I plan to begin to start running first on Monday morning, then finish out walking. I am not setting a get to this distance mark yet for running, but once I get to a mile straight, I am going to start pushing it again. Again, I am making goals rather than pinballing about on my path to health!

Days 11-14 Can I Use My Obsessive Personality For Good Instead of Evil?

All of us who are overeaters know that feeling. We finally have gotten off our rears and are going to do something. Day 1, not a problem. The adrenaline that comes with a major decision to do something and then actually doing it gets you by on that day. Maybe even day 2 and 3. But day 4, that thrill, that rush, it is waning. Now this is more like a job. And man, are you starting to get hungrier easier. Then you get those fond memories. Right about now, I was having big ol' supper and my belly was filling up and man that was great! I sure do miss that! Then it starts. The obsession kicks in. Man if I could just have a few chips/a candy bar/a beer, that wouldn't hurt anything right? Those thoughts begin to be a deluge, working on you all day. If you are a working stiff, maybe you get by the day with concentrating on work, but when that go home bell sounds, you are left out on an island, all alone. It begins to be a huge battle in your mind. "I want to succeed" "no, I like food enough to deal with being fat" "I can't bend over to pick up stuff I drop, something has to be done" " I have kids to pick up the things I drop, give me that pie!" That is the bad obsessive nature of dieting I have dealt with more often than not. But I realized something about v1.0 that i had not realized prior to my walk yesterday. (yes I been walking and more or less sticking to my calorie budget for the past few days, just not inspired to blog). I was obsessive during that run too, I just didn't catch it. I was obsessed with being in calorie burning mode all the time. I wrote down every calorie I ate. I kept up with my basal metabolic rate as I was losing weight and then I would write out my calories I had taken in for the day, compare it to how many calories I would have burned in the hours I had been awake, and was constantly striving to be in a deficit on the intake side and a surplus on the output side. I was borderline OCD about it! So I begin today with a conscious effort on my part to switch my obsessions. I will know be focusing my energy on being in a calorie deficit rather than trying to fight off urges to eat. when my stomach growls, I will consider that a success rather than an emergency! When I think about getting a bite to eat, or what my meal is going to be, I will try to figure out how to maintain a calorie deficit even after eating that meal. I am going back to OCD baby!! So I have to share this. One of the things I like to do when I walk is to meditate on my relationship with God and Jesus' teachings and how I can put them into action. So on Thursday when I was walking, I seemed to remember a story about how when Solomon was made king, he prayed that God would give him wisdom. God was very pleased because most would pray for power or knowledge, but when one prays for wisdom, that shows that he is humble. I had been praying about my weight loss, but had been praying for self discipline rather than wisdom. I was seeking the wrong weapon in my prayers!! James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." That was literally when this epiphany about my obsessive behavior hit me! My God is an Awesome God Indeed!!

Days 8 and 9 A Misconception About Us Fat Folks

Although I doubt any one gives a rip, but in the event someone does, I apologize for not posting a blog yesterday. I guess that is really an apology to myself for letting me down really. So anyway that being taken care of, I am here now and will do what this blog is meant to do. I am peeling back the layers and making myself understand my propensity to overeat and also look at my methods of trying to get thinner and in better shape. A quick recap. I had a success Friday, a failure yesterday, followed by uber success today. Friday, I kept my to my calorie bank despite going to an all you can eat buffet that has great food with lots of calories!! I walked out of that place with my head held high! Buuuuuut yesterday, Kathy and I went to eat at a german restaurant that we had been trying to get to for awhile. I had no idea the calories in German food, and should have tried to figure that out before we ordered!! I refuse to even talk about how badly I stepped off the path for that meal. Wow! I hate to have to say it so often, but lesson learned. However, today has been the picture of perfection eating wise. I have even fought off some boredom/anxious eating urges. Love those days when I have to fight and when I win that fight. It reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures. James 1:2-3 "consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters when your face trials and tribulations of many kinds, for you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance." I love that verse and need to keep that one in mind at all times, so that when this new effort of mine, or v2.0 as I have dubbed it, begins to show cracks, I can realize that I did it once, and I can do it again, with some perserverance. So I was thinking about this idea that many people have that all fat people are dumb, lazy, careless and indifferent folks. I would disagree with that blanket assumption. I have no doubt that may be the case for some, but the majority of the large folks I know are actually people that are perfectionists with lots of passion. In fact, some of them are likely overeaters in response to the fact that they perceive that they are unable to achieve their desired goals because they are higher than the person feels they can achieve, and a retreat is made to comforting their depression resulting from their,again percieved, ineffectiveness. Translated, I can't make X happen they way I want it to happen. That frustrates me, how can I make myself feel better about failing in X? MMMM good pizza. I am probably that guy. I fancy myself a fella that things typically come easy to. I don't normally have to put too much effort into being at least passable in most things I try to do (athletics not withstanding). When I decided to go back to school, I really began to question myself. What I didn't take into consideration until I had finished undergrad was that I was trying to do a lot! I was working full time, going to school full time and being a husband, dad and son. That many tasks all at once was not likely to come easy to me, no matter what. I got myself together at the end fo undergrad, but then I got myself in a crack again first year of law school. One of the things I have come to grips with now is that I am not going to kick butt in all things, especially when I do so many things at once. that alone has helped me to lose some of my desire to eat when I feel inadequate. it just sucks that such a simple lesson took me so long and so many pounds packed back on to learn!

Day 7 That Swagger and The Frenzy

Today has been a good one I have to say. One of the things I miss the most is that energy I had when I was much thinner than I am now. I was literally always fidgety, ready to do something. I have over the past few months been getting in the bad habit of being ok with sitting around in my recliner or at my desk reading, with no desire to get up and go out and find SOMETHING to do. Not that I have had a lot of extra time even if I would have had the energy, but that is not the point. So while I still don't have the same "giggety giggety let's go" energy I had before, I am getting it back some. And I am also beginning to get that "swagger" I had too. I loved getting such great news from the scale this morning. I can't really explain it, but when feel that swagger, I just walk differently, like I am just one BAD DUDE! I get all giddy about just being alive and having accomplished something so important to me. Today, I started a new habit. I am going to not just look up and tell God thanks for the blessings, but I am now going to start getting down on my knees and bowing my head and send up prayers of thanks for all blessings, not just scale blessings. As I said before and I will keep saying, God sent me the wisdom I prayed for to get my back on the losing weight track! My second huge accomplishment was fighting of a "frenzy". I don't get this but I am a person who really actually gets hungry really easily. So though I do mostly eat out of habit or emotion when I am not dieting, when I do get the right mindset to get on the ball, I deal with hunger a lot. Well one of the habits I have is that whether I am dieting or not, when I get one thing to eat, I want another thing to eat, and then I get into what I call a feeding frenzy mode. I just start going around finding various random things to eat in the house. Today, I came home to check on Lauren and her progress in her chore list, and I was legitimately hungry. So I got the last bite of some left overs that amounted to nothing. It was literally one bite of chicken fried steak patty that was left over. But as soon as I took that bite, I began to scan the fridge for something else to eat. I spotted about 3 things that looked good, then I remembered there were cookies in the pantry and so on and so on. But today, I am proud to say, I fought off a frenzy!! I say I did, but the reality is that God help me. Phillipians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! I have one more big test to get through today, and I am feeling pretty good right now. We are having an all four parents dinner with Lauren tonight. The bad news is Golden Corral was the choice for the meeting place. As we all know, that is one place where 10,000 calories could easily be consumed!! But I have already been steeling myself. I am hoping there is a menu I can order off of that is just a meal and no bar. But if there is not, I am going to sit down and drink two glasses of water straight before I ever go look at the food bar. I want my stomach full as a tick before I ever even think of putting food in it. Then I am going to go around and make the best food choices available to me in the environment. I have a feeling this is a great learning opportunity if I will let it be!

Day 6 Building On Successes

Remember in yesterday's post, I talked about how I was successful all day even with going out to eat? Well right up to the offer of free cake anyways. I also said yeah that was not the best choice I could have made, but what I was choosing to take away from yesterday was that I was successful for far more of the day than I was not successful. Today, I was down at my mom's house waiting on Kathy to be done working when her and Dad offered to take us out to eat at the steak house, which is what they call the Western Sizzlin' here in VB. We accepted and went right on with them. Well I am not a huge fan of their steaks and quite frankly, I had the urge for a good salad, and they do have a great salad bar there. Well it is actually cheaper to get the food bar than it is to get the salad bar for some reason, so I did. I got my salad and loved every bite of it. I was particularly pleased with myself for going very sparingly with the bleu cheese dressing, since I usually soak a salad down with dressing. I had also spotted some fried okra and some baby back ribs on the way back to the table, so I went back for them, but in very sparing portions. I also grabbed some steamed broccoli while I was at it. I finished off my meal with a few slices of kielbasa. So having been to this bar many times before, it was a far better bet that I was going to hit up the sweets section than it would be that I was going to completely ignore it. But if you had been betting against me tonight, you would have lost!!! Not even a sniff of ice cream, cookies, cobbler, NOTHING! I came home and entered all my food on my app that I track calories with and I came in with 100 calories left for the day!! and I haven't done my walk for the day yet, so I should be in the 750 calorie deficit for the day range!! How awesome is that? Building on small success baby!!

Day 5 Still Work To Do....

Did great all day, even up to ordering a meal that was within my calorie budget when we went out to eat. But then it happened. "want some free cake to go with that?" Fail for Shane. But will I dwell on that part? Nope. I will be dwelling on the good decisions I made all day, and thinking how to prepare better for that temptation next time. Nuff said, right? D

Day 4 Despite a not stellar Day 3 ending......

Here is the thing. I owed Lauren an ice cream date, so I managed to convince myself that it would be rude to take her on an ice cream date and not get ice cream to eat with her. So we went to Goody's. I got about 4-5 ounces of the yogurt, then got some coconut topping and shouldnt have but did get a little bit of the chocolate syrup on top. Historically, that would have convinced me that I suck. I am a loser. No chance I will ever get this right. But it did not phase me. In fact, this morning, I headed out for my walk and I have to admit, I felt studly. All my muscles were working well, my joints got oiled up quicker than usual, and I was just feeling good about me and life generally and thanking the Lord for all multitude of blessings I get but don't deserve even one little bit. That is what I have been missing in my efforts lately, that (insert manly growling noise here). That love for what I am doing right now and the studly feeling that goes along with exercise. My attitude all day was great! That great attitude makes for less effort on my part to not eat. Not eating too much, well it makes me lose weight! Wild and crazy chain huh? Another cool moment for me was when we went for the family walk tonight, a certain 10 year old girl was talking smack and trying to stay just out of our reach. I took off in a sprint up hill and wound up catching her just to show her I could! It was great! Recognizing that my worth is not tied to my grades and my job was one of the greatest epiphanies the Lord has ever given me. Seek wisdom, not knowledge. Knowledge is of the past, but wisdom is of the future. Heard that somewhere once. I want to say it was a spiritual quote but it may not have been. At any rate, it really is true. I KNEW I had a problem, but I needed the WISDOM to overcome it. I have actually prayed many times for the wisdom to overcome, and I now have it! Thank ya Lord!! And the great thing is that I am tracking my calories and exercise with an app and the raising up my calorie limit that I used and was successful with in 2010 has not freaked me out. I hope to see SOME movement on the scale this Friday. But even if I don't, I can already tell one thing. My sternum is poking up now when I lay down!

Day 3-Toil and Tranquility- Ecclesiastes 4:6

I am a type A personality at the heart of things. I am that guy that can’t be ok with doing the speed limit, I am that guy that can’t sit and watch a movie without having something else going on in my mind; planning for next week, figuring out what to do about the bills that are still due after the money is gone, whatever else may be going on in my head. I do not do nearly enough going with the flow. Another problem I have is that I demand efficiency and speed of myself. I can’t just do stuff at a comfortable pace. When I take up the task, I am looking for the fastest way to do it. I lost 100 pounds in 8 or so months. I kicked that tasks butt! Wait, look at that scale and tell me I kicked that tasks butt….. negative Ghostrider. I went after that goal of 199 with a vengeance. It worked for the short term, but what ultimately did my toil gain me? Not permanent weight loss obviously. So one of the things I am trying this go around is to not go at it like a wild man, but to take some common sense steps and not starve myself and exercise a little too much. I am going to try to do a little less toil, and use a little more tranquility. That is the lesson in the above verse. “It is better to have one handful with tranquility than to have two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.” Long story short, dump the type A tendencies, and enjoy this long leisurely journey down the scale. Make some changes that aren’t so drastic as the last time but that will lead to success. If I don’t drop 3 pounds a week, that is ok. My body will be less likely to go into “damage repair mode” and put it back on when I am not “on”. Plus if it takes me two years for 60 pounds, then I will have rebooted and made new habits that I have been creating for a couple of years. I know that this all sounds good on paper, but I have no doubt it will be a struggle to be ok with no loss one week and 1 lb lost next week. I will want to make some change like cut back 500 calories and add some more cardio, or find some supplement that may get me over the hump, or some other move that will cater to my need to achieve fast results. Guarantee that it will be a difficult instinct to fight, but if I want to find that tranquility at the end, I will need to employ some tranquility at the beginning and in the middle. I am tired of toil and chasing after the wind.

Day 2 When I... Then I......

One of the things I enjoy about Mount Olive Church is that Pastor Barry, without fail, gives me something that not only helps me in my walk of faithfulness, but also tidbits that help in life generally. Perfect example was Friday night. The staff at Mount Olive wanted to give the volunteers a special night where it was all about us. There were top hats and bow ties and tieras and boas aplenty! it was a hoot of a time, and I got to see someone tap dance in real life!! So after the entertainment, and after the awards were handed out, Pastor Barry took a moment to do some vision casting about the direction of Mount Olive. One of the things he said was that people generally have this issue with "when I do X, then I will do Y" which means once you meet some checkpoint that you have set up, you will then go do something you want to do but are too scared to do right now. We have all done it. I am the victim of that phrase right now. I decided when I noticed all my progress slipping away that I did not have the resources to deal with it head on at the moment since my first year of law school was kicking my rear all over the place. So i said "when I finish my first year of law school, then I will jump back on the path of good eating, plenty of exercise, and get back to where I was in March of 2011." So my first year of law school has passed, I have put on 50+ pounds from my low weight, and I am currently spinning my wheels. why is that? My guess is the putting it off for a little bit made it easier to put it off a little longer, and longer and longer, till I am now worse off than I was when I decided I needed to get my rear going again, and so then that further loss of ground made it easier to retreat again. My "then I" never came to fruition. Addendum: As I stated, I think this blog helped me a ton in being successful before. I was not sure why before this morning. While I was getting the walk I talked about in, I didn't listen to music as usual, but I took that time to think and reflect. And I think I know why the blog helps me so much.... because it makes me think and reflect! But rather than it being abstract thoughts that go away fleetingly, I am giving my thoughts life and making them real and relevant. Rather than inspiring or guiding me for 10 minutes, they are there for me to look at and think about for extended periods of time. It occurred to me that maybe one of the reasons I am not able to recreate the fire that was there when I was achieving phenomenal weight loss and gaining great health was that I was on top of the world at that time. I was about to be done with undergrad, I was still making straight A's, I was making more money after switching jobs, long story short, I was on top of the world. So adding one more accomplishment made sense. I had quite the great image of myself, I was able to do anything! Skip to the second half of 2011 and all of 2012 and what do I have going on now? I am not making the A's in law school, I am not even working at a crummy job, and now it makes sense that with all that "bad" stuff going on, why not lose all my progress I made in weight loss and health? Long story short, I started feeling bad about myself generally and with that attitude, I began to just not achieve any longer. I just did not have the motivation to try. See where I am going with this? I lost my achiever identity and my self worth. In order to succeed, the first thing that has to be true, you have to believe you are worthy of succeeding. Here is what I have come up with moving forward. I am probably not about to start catching fire and making the A's in law school, and I probably won't have even a crummy job anytime soon. But that stuff is not what makes me who I am and does not represent my worth to this world. Quite frankly, my family, my faith and my friends are what gives me my value. I have the best family a person could ever ask for, Mount Olive Church has provided me with the groundwork to begin a wonderful spiritual journey that has proven to be such a blessing in my life that I just can't begin to express it well enough in words, and I have such a diverse and awesome group of friends that span from friends I have acquired from chance meetings, to a phenomenal bunch of people that I am blessed to be in a life group with, to people I have met at church and finally a great group of guys and gals I know from law school. Each of those people add something to my life and inspire me to adopt certain characteristics I admire in them. Long story short, I am worthy of being more than I am right now. I do deserve to be lighter and healthier, and my self worth is not dictated by my job or my grades. Thank you Lord for imparting the wisdom I prayed for on me and getting me back to blogging.

Day 1 v2.0

So my wife just came back from the gym pumped up from a great workout. My wife lost 4 pounds this week. Notice I am not in any of those sentences with great declaration in them? Yeah, I am not there. So after a good talk with my mom and a rereading of day 1 of this blog, I am thinking counting down the days of good and consistent activity and an ongoing monologue about my triumphs and tragedies of the days that follow this one, maybe I can find that fire, that burn that got me going the first time. I took the best punch that law school had to offer and now I need to get up, dust off and get back to the Shaniac ( thanks Kenz for that moniker!) So day 1 version 2.0 here we go! Ok, I wrote the above as I was waiting in Kathy to finish showering after which we were going to be going to get Lauren from our friends the Hunters. So while we were out, we decided to have some lunch. Epic fail on my part. We went to Harry's Hamburger Barn, a nice little local restaurant downtown. I got the Cajun Burger, which is huge, and the fries that come with it. I realized how big the burger was and decided to formulate this plan of don't eat all the burger, and don't but a few of the fries. Well as per my usual MO as of late, fail and fail. I can honestly say I don't get what it is that I am missing here. Where did the lock tight, on course, no problem with self discipline Shane go? I have to find that guy. I have to bring him back and get him back to work. I need some sort of victory, I need something. so here is my goal. I will finish this day out successfully. I will have a sandwich for supper, I will get me a walk in tonight, and tomorrow morning. Those are small goals, but that is how big goals get met, several small goals met. Onward and downward!

Reality Bites

So as some have noticed, I tailed off on my blogging after a lot of sound and fury apparently signifying nothing. I cannot figure out what it was that got me going so strong last time. It just isn't happening for me. I have sat around contemplating it, and have come up with no solid answers. I only have one theory. I am not handling the stress of my life very well. and so I hang on to the idea of eating my stress away. Another thing that occurred to me is that until I started contemplating this thing, I never really acknowledged my stress. I am that guy that has to be put together and capable all the time. No chinks in this guy's armor you know. But once I started thinking about this whole failure to get back on track, it occurred to me, yeah, I am stressed and there are chinks. I hate to write a whiny post and if you blow past it after few sentences, that is fine. I am really just trying to get this out in black and white, more for me than for anything. First and foremost, it really does seem like I am languishing right now. I am next to positive that I will be a capable attorney. However, I can't do that until I finish law school and pass the bar. But that seems so far away and my family has needs now! I want to provide well for my family, I want to be able to be generous within the community, I want to do so many things, but I am handcuffed! No money, a life that is busy without financial fruit, always having to be congnizant of what money is being spent and what money is going to be coming in. It weighs on my mind constantly! With me not working, the stress I felt before is now exponentially worse! Second, I have somehow become my mom's fascination. She thinks I should just run down there every chance I get and hang out with her. And I don't deny I love to spend time with her, but with all my family obligations, my school obligations, church obligations, then the other smaller miscellaneous obligations, it seems like there is pretty much no Shane time. If there happens to be some, it usually comes at the expense of another obligation and I feel guilty when I am "relaxing". Third is my health issue. I am declining in my fitness as I put on pounds that I thought for sure were gone forever. I am hurting in my hips and knees, I am not able to run anymore without major consequences the next day. To have lost the majority of my progress depresses me. and so when I get depressed, I tend to eat to compensate. So that eating and not as much exercising means I go even further away from the good health I was enjoying! self perpetuating failure I say! So wow. having put all that out there feels like some sort of release. I feel better now that I have admitted I am not Superman, and I do have chinks that need to be fixed, but not by eating. I need to learn to deal with those chinks, and admit them and challenge them! Ok, I have decided this. No more long term goals right now. I will have a good day TODAY. That is my goal. Here I go!

Why can't all days be that easy?

That title says it all. If all days were as easy as yesterday was, this whole lifestyle change would be a cakewalk. I kept busy all day and had not one iota of stress. usually the busy part isn't a problem, it is the stress part! haha! I got up at 5 and was on the go all day. Kathy and I got home around 9 and were sacked out shortly after! No time for "hmmm, a little snack this evening wouldn't hurt". Again, if only all days were that easy! ADDENDUM: So after I typed the above blog, I went out to get my walk in. I got that itch again. I had to run! Now make no mistake, it was not a long or fast run, but it was a run. I guesstimate it was about .6 miles, but it is .6 more than I ran yesterday!!

The Day of Reckoning

So I don't know if you had noticed, but in the last few posts, I had not posted my weight. I had done so on purpose. I wanted to get into my groove before finding out the depressing news of how much had I actually gained. I did finally weigh this morning. and here is the sad sad news. (stole the idea from you Jack, in case you are reading and say hey!)

So I am now at my starting point, that by which progress will be measured. And so here is my first goal. I want to get to 245. Not putting a definite time line on that, but that is my first goal. I hate not putting a time on it, but I still think my race to lose weight is what led to my failure in keeping the weight off. so I am going to do this deliberately this time so that hopefully, my body and mind will accept the changes. Hope everyone has a great day and thanks for stopping by. it means the world to me!

That Fine Line

I have thought about it and thought about it. How did I get so far along in a weight loss journey, get below 200 pounds and then let that slip away? Now I do eat better than I used to, so that is the positive that I can take from this, but still. So here is what I have come up with. I would appreciate some thoughts on this. I lost 100 pounds in roughly 8 months, give or take. I have to wonder.... did I do it too fast? Once I stopped being 1500 calories strict and just ate intuitively, did my body see the chance to put back on weight that was taken off really fast as an emergency measure? I mean when I stopped tracking, I still was not eating like crazy, I still had not began to feel the stress of laws school and was not eating poorly. but within no time, I had put on 14 lbs, then 20. if I had been smart, I would have fought back then. But the motivation had left me. and then it got out of hand. So here I am. I am trying to put together a new plan. I want to take off more like 1 pound a week instead of like 2-3. here is the problem. I am a results now kind of guy. I can't go slow, I go all the way when I do something. so I may get two benefits from this go around. A more sustainable weight loss and a lesson in patience. which is going to be pretty important in my new line of work. so here it is. instead of 1500 calories a day, it will be 2200 a day, and instead of two sessions of cardio a day, I do one (walking now, but running later) added in with some weight training since I have a gym membership now! Ok, that felt good. felt real good. Here I go!!

Renew your mind daily

I have a new tool in the toolbox that I intend on using a lot in this new journey. I have begun to attend church regularly and my faith in God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit have blossomed. I am by no means well settled into my walk with Christ, but I am well under way. I read the Bible each morning now (not to say that I don't miss a day here or there, but it is a priority to read it more mornings than I do not) and I am not good at quoting book, chapter and verse, but I do remember the gist of scriptures pretty regularly, and one of my favorite ones can be applied to just about all facets of life, not just your walk in faith. "Do not conform to the ways of this world. But renew your ind daily so that you may know God's will- his good, pleasing and perfect will". What I get from this, take a few minutes each day, first thing, and give God your first and best. But after that, you can set your mind up for the day. For example, I did my reading plan this morning and then when I was done meditating on the scriptures, I took the next few minutes to meditate on my goals for the day. I wanted to get a walk in this morning (did it Kenz!) and then I want to periodically throughout today stop and think about how food controls me so much and how that is not natural. I have a mindset that food has the power in our relationship. If it is there and available, I can't just not eat it, I am resigned immediately to "well here goes failure". I have to each day renew my mind that this is not a given, it is not a constant. It is up to me to fix that attitude, but I must give my resolve its due diligence each day. And by piggy backing that on to my spiritual renewal each day, I know God will help me in doing so. And to Carrie, Suzy, Mary and Michele, thanks for the comments yesterday. It is good to know that I have folks watching me and rooting for me!

I fought the good fight, but I did not finish the race......

So I am not sure who all I know still does the weight loss blogging thing. I have been gone for quite some time now. I miss the camaraderie, but my life just got busy and blogging everyday got lost in it. Being a first year law student was a bit harder than I thought it would be. But I am not here to make excuses, I am not here to rationalize. I lost over 100 pounds, and now I am being a huge non-fighter, and it is starting to creep back on me. I could just cave in. I could just call it good until after law school is over and then get back after the weight loss again. But that isn't me. I got there once, and I can get there again. I just need to come up with a better plan for staying there. I think one of the elements I am missing, one of the reasons I fell off the "yeah I am losing weight and doing great things with my health!!!" wagon is that I quit dealing with it in black and white. I quit putting physical form to it, and began to fight the fight only in my mind again. and we all know that when the mind gets the power, the rationalization begins. So I need to get back to writing it out, making it real putting real goals up, rather than thinking up new goals and never getting any further than that. So even if not one of the many wonderful people I met along the way in my wonderful weight loss journey of a year or so ago are still around, and even if not one person ever reads this blog again..... I need this blog. I need this outlet. I need to put my feelings in to black and white, my goals and wins and even my losses need to stop being so abstract, and take form. An abstract thought gets lost very easily, but a written goal is there to remind you, it has real power. I don't have a plan of attack yet, but it will be at least somewhat similar to the last one, but I am going to have to come up with a strategy for weight loss, AND a strategy for weight loss maintenance this time. Goal #1 for me is to start making this blog a priority once again. as in each day, I take at least 10 minutes to post about plans, wins and losses, and what ever I am feeling that day about my weight loss journey v2.0. And if any of my wonderful weight loss blog friends are still around, howdy and how are ya'll doing?

Don't even think about it!

An epiphany hit me on the treadmill today. The reason for the thought that brought on the epiphany is that I went off my beaten path yesterday. I was feeling poorly healthwise, just didn't have any getty-up-go on me. I had been well on plan for the three days prior and this week I have stepped up my working out since I am in week 3. I started thinking maybe I am just running low on fuel, since burning fat is not an efficient process. Maybe I just didn't have enough to keep me going. So I went ahead and took the reins off for lunch and had a half dozen tacos. Well that is pretty much always a terrible idea for me, letting go that it. I can rationalize anything like I said a few days ago. well after that I did start feeling a bit more energetic, so then I had some cereal too and then I really perked up. Finally, at Life Group last night, I just went with the flow and had a couple of plates AND some pie!

I know for sure that all of ya'll will get this next line. So since I screwed up the plan last night, and came to my senses this morning, my first thought was "ok, let's counter yesterday's idiocy with some under eating today! That should even things out! Makes sense right? Wroooooong!! So as I am running and trying to keep myself from thinking about how tired I am, it dawns on me. It is all about habits and routines. If I want to eat consistently well, then I need to eat consistently period. So now if you decided to that retribution for yesterday's sins is in order for today, not only have you not stuck to the good eating habits and routines for one day, now you have gone off habit and routine for two days for trying to under eat to counter the over eating! Duuuuuur! Not only that, if you fail to stick to that plan for the day, you have set yourself up for two days of failure in a row, and a huge hit to your resolve is sure to follow.

So although yesterday was not disaster, it was a step off the path for me. But, if the path is where I want to be, my job is to practice being on the path each day. So although my instinct is to try to eat less today to even out, I am going to stick to my guns and eat on plan, putting yesterday's transgression back in the box for yesterday. Each 24 hour cycle is separate from each other. Don't worry about yesterday, it happened. Work on today. Make it a good day. Make that habit and routine stick TODAY. String enough of those good days together and you can't help but have success! But don't try to go retroactive on any yesterday, ever.

So I am back to concentrating on my goals for TODAY. Yesterday is powerless over me. Today, I will succeed.

Success!

Well if today is any measure, the steps I talked about yesterday to make sure I am not going to fall into rationalization mode are going to be successful. The only one I failed on was getting something to eat before I went to work out this morning. I even got up late and still made it to the gym in my window! Lauren played a big part in the success of the morning. She was willing to work with me and get her hind end up before I left. And I stopped after my workout and got us a garage door clicker, and have already programmed it to work with our garage door opener! God is good, amen! I know it is my job to do the stuff, but He sure helps motivate me when I am lacking in ability or slacking in general!

I am also very thankful for my LiveStrong food tracking app on my iPod. I used to write everything down manually and had to Google my food calories all day. This app lets me search all that stuff out and track it in a convenient one stop shop. It also takes the math function out of it, telling me how many calories I have left for the day. I also like the fact I can track my activity for the day and see about how many calories I burned. My big thing is to create a calorie deficit every 24 hour cycle. This app makes it so much easier to handle all the information for doing that in one fell swoop!

How are ya'll using technology to achieve your goals?

Our old friend, Rationalization

Good fine day to my bloggy friends. I am riding an endorphin high this morning. School starts back in a week and so this week, one of my goals is to get in the habit of getting around in the morning so that I can get Lauren up and started and then get out the door to the gym so I can get a work out in, get home and showered and then get out the door for my first class of the day on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. I don't have to be in class until 11 on those days, so my goal is to get up at 5, coffee made and drank by 5:45, then get Lauren started on waking up and getting out of bed. My goal is out the door no later than 6:15. Get to the gym by 6:30. Weights lifted, running/biking/whatever cardio I feel necessary that day done by 7:45, back to the house by 8 and showered and out the door to Fayetteville by 9 is the goal.

All this is doable, but I need to take steps to make it happen as seamlessly as possible. Why you ask? Because I am the king of rationalization. If I want to find a way to not do something, I can attach a very convincing argument as to why it is impossible for me to do the necessary activity in a second! I am working on that, but until I am better at it, I am taking some steps to try to cut my old buddy rationalization off at the pass.

1. I am getting Lauren an alarm clock. a real alarm clock, not the joke of an alarm clock she has that stops going off after 1 minute and isn't loud enough to annoy you out of bed EVER. I am going to set it for 5:45 and when it goes off, I will go assist it at first. But once I get Lauren coherent enough to realize she needs to be getting around, I need to jet.

2. I am going to make a new habit of laying out the clothes I will be wearing to the gym and to school the night before. This will take 10 minutes off my morning almost immediately.

3. We recently got our garage door fixed and it works splendidly! However, now the remotes do not. Add to that that I have a great deal of fitness equipment I am not using in the garage and I have a cramped garage area. I mention this because part of my plan to stay on track is that I want to use my garage for what it was meant, to park cars in! It is the winter and that means the very real possibility of frost on the windows in the morning. If I was to have a vehicle parked in the garage, as well as a garage door remote, well then I would save myself the time I would need to get a car ready to go first thing in the morning since it is warm and frost free right from the start.

4. I think I need to find something easy to reheat and chow down on before I head to the gym. My new found and awesome habit of not eating after supper is great, but it makes me wake up HONGRY!! in the morning. I need something to make my belly not be griping at me, but also that will not get me acidy in the morning. This will be a work in progress I am sure for sometime.

5. A little help from the Big Guy upstairs is being requested to help me keep a good attitude about my soon to be busy schedule again. One of the things I think about regularly when I am busy and going 100 mph is all the days I was sitting in my 1 bedroom apartment, watching tv, surfing the net and wishing I had a life. I credit my loneliness and lack of a life with making me so dang fat to begin with. Eating was the one joy I had and I developed an unhealthy relationship wit food because of my non hectic schedule. So this crazy life is by far better than the old one! I just have to keep remembering that God has blessed me with a wonderful family and many great opportunities that requre a lot of hard work and perserverance, but in the end I will be able to glorify His name with the opportunities these tasks will afford me!

Sorry this blog is a bit less rah rah than usual. I wanted to get these thought down in black and white and make them real so that I take positive steps to make them happen. That is another lesson I learn. Thoughts and wants are just arbitrary until they are written down, then they become real and that usually motivates us to do something about them. Why do you think list making is such an effective tool?

Hope everybody has a great day!

As Promised....

As I said I would, here is the link to my wife Kathy's new weight loss blog. Please follow her and encourage her along in her journey!

http://kathy-one-day.blogspot.com/

That Sucked

Had such a great day yesterday. Ran a 5k AND went to the gym after that, kept my calories down, felt good all day. I even was good after supper, with no urge to snack. But then..... I fell asleep on the couch watching the debates. I had a bit of a nagging hunger when I woke up. It was around 10ish. If I was a smart man, I would have hightailed it to bed, but I am not sure I have a brain in my head to be honest. I decided that I was going to have a quick peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk, which opened that door. I then had another pb sandwich and a glass of milk, then a fiber bar, then a couple of pieces of lunch meat and a slice of cheese! Not a huge binge I know, but still! So that happened and it sucked. But today, I will learn from that. Today I will stay on course, today I will do the right thing. The idea in all this is that for 5 of 7 days, I did not eat after supper. That is a 70% success rate. Now this week, I shoot for 100% success rate.

So on to more positive stuff. I am big on realizing you are blessed. The problem most people have with that is that people only consider blessings the big things in life. I got me a new car! I am so blessed. I just graduated and got a new job! I am so blessed. You get the picture. The thing is, those big blessings are few and far between. So that leaves room for getting down on yourself or on relationships or the world. I personally have come to find that if you are thankful for the small things, you don't really have that problem. For example, the whole episode that made me think about this topic was that I went to visit my mom for a few minutes early this morning. Well as I said before, I ran a 5k that I only had a week to prepare for yesterday. I had some very tired legs after that, and fully expected to be sore as all get out today. Well, on the walk back, I couldn't help but notice that I was not only not sore, but I was walking with exceptional ease and fluidity. At the outset of all this bidness, I had trouble walking around the block once. Now, even after running a race the day before that was 3 miles and I was not really trained for, I still can walk easily! That is so huge to me. I remember how embarassed I was the first time I decided to walk the block and couldn't even make a second lap because my back and legs were too tired. Now, look at me!

I urge each of you to adopt this habit. Don't just focus on big stuff as being your blessings. If you are lucky enough to catch a green light that you figured you woudn't, realize that is blessing. If you have a non-hectic day at work, realize that is a blessing. If you have a family get together and not one cross word is spoken, blessing. Blessings are all around us, we just have to see them.

Yeeeaaaah Baby!

I am pretty pumped. I ran my 5k this morning and I didn't suck. I ran one in November and my time was 33 minutes and change. Today, 31 minutes and less change. I only got to train for one week, so I am not gonna get mad at myself. i am working back to the 20's baby!

I am also going all high tech on my calorie tracking. LiveStrong has a great app that has a big database for calorie values and calories burned values for your activities. I have been doing a good job since I started tracking again. It really makes you think everytime you put food in your mouth for sure.

So I guess the point in this post is to say, I am back! Watch out 2012, I see a lower 5k time, a likely 10k and a possible 1/2 marathon in my future! I also see a scale number of 190 or who knows, maybe lower! It's on!

Oh by the way, Kathy started her a blog! I am so excited! She has a friend that has lost 135 pounds and part of her process was blogging, so Kathy's ears perked up. Looking forward to seeing her progess! I will try to find the link to it and put it on here next post. See ya'll.

I'll Do It Later

So many things got the "I'll do it later" from me when I was 300+ lbs. Everything from the piece of paper I walked by in the floor to the trip I needed to take out to my truck to get something I needed from it to, and this one was most important, losing weight. When you are severely overweight, it is a chore to do everything! Seriously. If it weren't for the addiction to eating, I would have put off getting up to go to the kitchen for overeating! I have put some weight back on, to be specific, 38 pounds worth of weight from my lowest weight. I am not proud of it, I am not happy with myself, but most importantly, I am not defeated. This weight loss journey is something I am strapped with for the rest of my life. Partially because I am genetically challenged, but I think moreso because I let my body think it was ok to be so fat, that is its norm. So even though I have not been eating anything like I used to eat before I began this journey, my body did not learn that it was ok to be skinny. when the exercise stopped happening and the strict dieting laxed, my body began to make fat again. I have not done any research about this recently, but it seems I read somewhere that you are born with X amount of fat cells, but if you become obese, then your body creates more fat cells for storage of exess fat. Those cells never go away and are looking to be as full as they once were again. I could be mistaken, if I am someone correct me. But I think that is the challenge I face. I will always for the rest of my life have to battle with those fat cells seeking to be refilled.

One thing mentally that is getting to me is that I swore when I got to Onederland, I would never leave again. I let myself down on that oath, big time. But I am not beating myself up. ONe thing in life I have learned in my almost 40 years is that the most valuable learning comes from failure. I am moving forward and setting a goal, which is one of the things I think knocked me off track was not having a set goal. I am looking to get to 190 this year. HOwever, my approach will be different than before. I am not going to seek to race to 190, but rather I am going to practice new habits that are maintainable without exerting too much pressure on me. I don't necessarily need to run 3 miles everyday, I don't necessarily need to restrict my calorie intake to 1,500 a day, I don't necessarily need to lose 2 pounds a week. In fact, all those things may have been part of the reason I am gaining back so easily. I theoririze that my body reacted to such dramatic weight loss as tragic, and once I loosened my grip on all those things, started trying to get back to status quo from the past. so this time around, no excessive exercise, no excessive calorie restriction ( but yes I will limit caloric intake ya'll) and if I go a week with a 1/2 pound loss, then so be it. I am also adding weight training, so that I can have an active day without running. All these plans together should help me become a Onederlander again sometime this year.

So come on blog land. Join me in 2012 and let's get to gettin'!! I will see you in ONderland by December!!

2012 is rolling!

Yeah we are 5 days in to 2012, but it has been a great 5 days! I have ate well and exercised well on all 5 days. I am pretty happy with myself at the moment. I am running a 5k this Saturday that I am worried I will not do well in. I got sick the last week of 2011 and did not get myself in good running shape. I had some weird sinus thing that wound up making me have to get a shot that cost $168 and a high powered antibiotic and a thing I stick in my nose and squirt to get my sinus cavities all cleared. So when I was trying to run, I would literally feel like I was going to faceplant the whole time. So I have been trying to ramp up my running a litle at a time this week and not being too happy with my endurance. My plan for the week was to do good cardio Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and go light today, then take tommorrow off to rest my legs. I got to the gym today and I honestly and truly had every intention of walking on the treadmill. And I did start off walking. But there is just some weird thing in me now. If I am not walking with Kathy, I can't just walk for exercise anymore. I HAVE to run. It is not even optional now. So I said ok, I will run for a mile. Well the mile got there, and I was feeling pretty good, so I said ok, I will finish this song running. And the song finished and I was at like 1. 88 miles. So I said ok, how about I get up to 2 miles then stop. Then two miles came and there was a good song on that had me all pumped up, so I said ok after this song. But then it was 2.3 miles I had gone, so I said it would be stupid not to get to 2.5 miles since I am so close. Long story short, this trend kept up until I hit the 3 mile mark. I have to admit, I am in awe of how much different my mind set is now than it was on July 17, 2010. I would have used every excuse I could to get off that treadmill then, and today, I used every excuse I could to stay on it! That is good good stuff folks.

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year Bloggers! I am being forced to write this blog by my friend Carrie! I was commenting on the wagon I fell off of and talking about how I have been working out this year and have not had an evening snacking problem (Praise the Lord!) since the new year began. I am also trying to boot my Diet Moutain Dew addiction too. I was on day 3 until I asked my wife to get me one on the way home tonight! But between evening snacking and diet soda, I will take the latter.

I am excited that I have a gym memebership now! I love to show up and work out and the thing that makes me go is that there are other folks there, and I am a competitive person! I am sticking to my plan to take the weight I have gained back off slowly and make more manageable and maintainable habit changes. I am not only running now but I have been lifting weights as well so that should make at least some difference. I look forward to seeing what this year brings, starting with my first weigh in this Friday!

I also got a Ninja for Christmas, so I am learning to make smoothies, or at least I tried to today. I have some more work to do, but if it could save me 3.50 a trip to the gym, then that would be a good thing, I am pretty sure.

Hope everyone had a great NYE and is off to a roaring start for 2012.