Day 177 Off Day

Hello and howdy to all my blogger buddies. I have to admit, it will be strange to type this next sentence. I had no obligatory tasks today and I actually slacked for 90% of my day! There was not one thing on my or Kathy's agenda that had to be taken care of! I originally had set a few things in my head to do, like clean my truck, clean my garage and trim back the rose bush finally. I did get started on the garage one until I found out it was cold as a well diggers butt outside, I didn't like being cold as a well digger's butt, and was not going to be doing those outside tasks after all. So, I got the dishes done, cleaned up the kitchen a bit, hopped on the treadmill and walked one of the pre set programs on it, cooked Kathy and I some breakfast, and then settled in for a long day of watching tv. Apart from grocery shopping and helping Kathy fix a delicious new recipe, my day was spent relaxing. And I have to say, I think I really needed that. I have to admit, I was antsy quite a bit though. Not in motion is not my normal state of being, at least not any more. I finally settled in after grocery shopping and cooking though.

Not going to go too deep into this, but for some reason, this hit me really hard today. I put on the one size large shirt I own today, and it fits really really well. Which made me start thinking about how big I really was before I started this whole journey. Today, for the first time, I really UNDERSTOOD how big I was. I remembered all the days I barely fit behind my steering wheel, I didn't fit behind Kathy's steering wheel, all the booths I crammed myself into, all the amusement park rides I either was able to cram myself into or was not able to ride due to my big belly, I even remember how I used to play my belly like a drum when I was laid back in my recliner and how one time i realized it wasn't in the spot it was supposed to be when I went to play it like a drum again. I remembered the joy I took in finding cool shirts that were size 3X. I remembered how hard it was for Kathy and I to squeeze by each other in our tiny kitchen (though that part could be fun sometimes!). And here is the thing. Looking back now, it is clear how big I was. But, in the moment, at all those times, I always had a skewered vision of myself apparently. I honestly though "yeah I am overweight, but not freakishly overweight", when it turns out, I was! Now I get why the kids stared at me in Wal Mart, although I think deep inside, I knew that at the time. I get why folks had the funny look on elevators, though I really knew at the time probably.

Now the challenge for me has been to realize that I am not that size anymore. I still worry about the strength of chairs (yes, I harmed a few chairs in my larger days), I still look for the booth with the most space between the back of the seat and the table, or the booth with the movable table top (admit it, we have all done it), I still wonder if I can slide through that little space between this thing and that one. That brings up another thing. I came to realize at one point folks, I was actually able to more easily fit through those tight spaces walking forward than turning sideways!! That is a terrible feeling! But I digress. Especially since I said that I wasn't going to go too deep into this and am two paragraphs in. So anyway, my point being, it is a heckuva game. At one end, you are fooling yourself into thinking you are smaller than you really are, at the other end you are struggling to come to grips with how small you really are. And I think that comes from one single turning point moment we all had to deal with; being honest about your predicament with yourself. Admitting this is a problem and I need to address it for real. At that point, you become aware of how big you are. And it actually builds on itself as you get smaller, you start realizing how big you were even more and somehow, all the denial disappears and is replaced with skewed perception of reality that even though now you are smaller, you now think you are bigger! AAAAAARGHH the craziness, the wonderful, frustrating, humbling craziness. Thank God for this journey right?