The RAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRR Doesn't Work, I Need To Practice the HMMMMMMM

So this morning as I am getting ready, I had one of my commonly held session with myself which usually takes place on Mondays. I am not doing what I know I need to be doing. I need to find that discipline I had in 2010-11. I need to quit being stupid and get to getting!! Basically, I am trying to pump myself up and get the adrenaline going, like I did for football games and track meets. But here is what I came to realize suddenly. That is something you do for a short term challenge. You get psyched up and you go and perform and then the game is over. I am good at that, but history shows that once the "game" is over, I go back to terrible habits. I need to quit trying to get the raaaaaaawwwwwrrrrr feeling of getting ready for the game. But what is the alternative? As any athlete of any organized sport will tell you, the practice is the part that everybody hates. It is the same thing, over and over and over. And it is boring! But anybody that has been an athlete long enough will tell you that while practice is the hmmmmmmmmmmm of competition, that it is also where games are won and lost. Nobody gets up for practice, you just put your time in. It is somewhat anticlimactic, and I think that in this effort to change forever, that is exactly what one needs. Anti-climactic. There is no big finale, you just keep doing it. It is no longer practice, it is just doing.

So I am shifting gears once again (and that is fine, I have to find my "thing" that will lead to long term success) and making a few changes. I am going to get back to blogging, and not worry about how many people comment or have viewed it. My blogging is for me. I want to get a conscious handle on what is going on at all times. I want to stop letting myself go into float mode. The diet and exercise I need to be engaging in need to get my attention every day. Only then will I be able to have a good "practice."

I am a little on the fence on the next change, but I am going to try it and see how it works. Pictures will be taken of every bite I take during the day. I want to not subconsciously or instinctually eat any longer. I want eating to be a real thing with real consequences, rather than some harmless act, undertaken with no conscious thought to the act. And to go along with that, I am going to track the food too. And to get rid of a dirty little secret, I am going to do it in complete honesty. I have fudged my MFP before, and that will no longer be an option. I want to see that I did a bad job if I did a bad job. Evidence of the truth is part of my job, and now it will be part of my lifestyle.

Despite how many times I have said this before, a new chapter starts today. It doesn't matter how many times we fall, it matters how many times we get up. Cliche? Maybe, but also true.

I Want To Be Where I Want To Be Now!

Last night, I had a long talk with my wife. I am a very driven person, and I have high expectations of myself. I am never satisfied right where I am. I have to be progressing. That causes me much angst in my life when I am evaluating where I am at this moment. Because I am never where I want to be at that moment. I always have aspirations. I never ever live in the moment of triumph and enjoy it. That's done, what's next? I was thinking about this,and how that can be such a roadblock to so many areas of my life. I know that we have many different characters we play in life. And it seems like my unhappiness lies in almost every character's life right now.

As a husband, I want to provide my wife with the finer things in life that she didn't get to enjoy growing up. I want her to be able to walk out the door and say I'm going to browse the mall a bit and maybe do some shopping, without my accountant character having bells and whistles go off, and run to the bank account to see how big of a hit we could take. As a father, I want my kids to never incur debt to get an education. I would love to write a check for tuition each semester and get them going in life without the saddle of student loan debt. As an attorney, I would love to never have to stop and think about how to handle this issue or that issue with a case. You get the idea. And my reality is that I am not anywhere I want to be, and I am not appreciating that I made it to many of my where I was trying to get to's a while back. I want to be where I want to be, and I want to be there RIGHT NOW!

Kathy has had the unfortunate task of having to talk me off the ledge a few times here lately. I was back to beating myself up for the fact that I haven't taken my family anywhere cool for a year and some months now. I feel as though I have failed my family miserably because I don't make a ton of money and take them cool places and to experience cool things. And in reality, wanting to do those things serves another purpose. I have a lot of pressure on me a lot of the time. I make so many decisions and work out so many situations on a daily basis. I take each one very seriously. I don't make offers to defendants off the cuff, I think each one through. I don't take my position as the family accountant lightly. I try to make the best decisions possible every day. I am especially sensitive to trying to spend quality time with the kids because as a kid, no one gave a rip about me, and I don't want them to know what that feels like. To sum up, I put a lot of pressure on me. And referring back to that problem I mentioned earlier, I don't make a ton of money, so I don't really get to have many blowing off steam opportunities. You see, the one thing I do know about me is that as long as I am at home, I am not ever going to relax. There are things that need to be getting done around the house or house business. There are kids who require attention and have needs. There is always just SOMETHING. When I leave the house, at least SOME of it is left there. But I am caught in this weird situation where I can't even really afford to go fishing for a day or go camping for weekend without some planning a month ahead. So I guess what my real gripe is is that I can't take a spontaneous trip. And frankly, I need some spontaneity!

But here is the thing, if I take all that griping above out, I would see that wow, I am blessed. God has done some wonderful things in my life, and I need to appreciate them. I spent most of my youth going from no relationships to bad relationships to substance abuse to wasting my potential in a factory (nothing against factory work, I just was never happy and it turns out, because I could do more than that). And now, I have two college degrees, a law degree, a wife that I don't really deserve, three kids that ultimately love me, thought sometimes I can't tell! haha. And here is the answer to the I don't make enough money gripe. I DO MAKE ENOUGH MONEY. My family has seen it's share of shut off notices and collections letters and phone calls, and eaten ramen 4 nights a week, etc. etc. And none of that is true now. All bills are paid, all meals have meat, and all kids are enrolled in some type of extra curricular activities. I have a mini van (not sure if I am bragging or hanging my head on this one) that runs well and gets the kids where they have to be, and a paid for truck that I love to drive. I actually have a few bills on auto draft, and that never happened. I had to have the flexibility to not pay it one month if need be! I can now go to my bank and get a loan if it came to me needing that. I have come a long way. I really need to recognize that.

How does that relate to my lifestyle change? I think my angst about my position in life plays a role in my poor diet habits. I am not satisfied or settled in where I am and that underlying unhappiness is being filled with food. Fix one, fix the other, right? The question being, how do I fix it? I am who I am, and I don't know how to change that!

A Shift In Perspective

I am a type A personality for the most part. And as a type A, I am not one to go at things lightly. It is full force ahead if I am undertaking it. I am that guy that will never take a break because if I am done with the project, that is the break. But to go along with my type A personality, I have the flaw of thinking that if I am not 100% succeeding, I am 100% failing. Perhaps I am not progressing fast enough, perhaps I am not meeting my progressive goals I set for myself, or perhaps I am being an idiot because at some point, I didn't use my brain and now feel like it set me back from making my goal and that is unrecoverable time for me. Basically, I am really hard on myself. I do recognize this, but I can't seem to beat it out of me. And I feel like that has become a stumbling block on my road to a healthy lifestyle.

So I am writing this down, making it real and telling all of you too, so that if you see me slipping, you can call me out on it. I am not going to be mad at myself for not being Mr. 100 mph. I am not going to decide that being 150 calories over budget is a blight on my character. I am not going to believe that a loss of 20 pounds over 6 months is a joke because last time I lost 20 pounds in 2 months. My hard charging may have gotten me ahead in some facets of my life, but I think that it has only sabotaged me in my quest to eat healthier, and lose weight at a healthy pace. I told someone the other day, the worst thing that has ever happened to me is having been so super successful at my last effort to gain a healthy lifestyle (well relative success, being as I didn't stay at my healthier weight)

So I want to list what I have done here and recognize that despite what I may believe, these are significant accomplishments from where I started to where I am now. For example, I never, even on the weekends, eat a big, fat laden, calorie dense, unhealthy breakfast. It is some combination of 2 oz of spicy sausage, 2 eggs, oatmeal, and some fruit, usually an apple. I don't eat much for lunch, if I eat an actual lunch at all. Most of my snacking is protein bars or shakes, some almonds or a pumpkin seed and other grains snack bar. 2-3 days a week, I have some form of left over chicken breast for lunch. The weekends are a little less certain lunchwise, but not too far off. I have cut waaaaaaay down on sodas. I used to buy a 6 pack of the 20 oz bottle twice a week. Now I have the fountain drink version every other day or so. And even in the fountain drink soda realm, I have made progress. I used to get the 44 oz cup, then I graduated to the 32 oz cup. I am currently on the 20 oz cup and eyeballing the 16 oz cup next! I did that because I am trying to retrain my brain to not believe I need the biggest everything. I can't help but realize that has also been the biggest issue in my life. If I like it, give me the biggest one, or fill up the plate, or go back for seconds! Now I am working on no seconds at supper, which isn't as big a problem as it used to be, but I am trying to make it be never an issue.

Long story short, I am working at being ok with being consistent but not kicking ass. I am trying to be ok with a medium pace and not expecting that I excel in pounds/inches lost like I did previously. I am retraining my brain with respect to my journey to a healthy lifestyle. I think that if I can take the pressure I feel to excel off of this aspect of my life, then my disappointments, deserved or not, will not be able to derail my efforts.

What You Didn't Do

So often in life we, mark success by what we did. Finished high school. Check. Got married to your soul mate. Check. Built a life that makes you happy. Check. But I think we as a group have just as much to be proud of in the check list of things we didn't do.

When you struggle through many false starts in an effort to get to a healthier weight and a healthier lifestyle, there are lots of chances to do the easy thing, to let life get to you and just give up and give in. If you are reading this, then you didn't do many things:

1. You didn't look at the last "failed attempt" (which I am now considering a tutorial on what doesn't work) as the end of the dream. It was a speed bump, but in reality, it was just a lesson in algebra where you got the wrong answer, but got to work with the formula that will get you the right answer eventually.

2. You didn't let yourself, your friends, or your situation convince you that this is a pointless endeavor. You recognize deep within yourself that this is about changing a situation that you don't like and will continue to not like until you fix it.

3. You didn't walk away. Most of us retreated, we went to a dark or a safe place and holed up for a minute or two, but we came back. Retreat often gets treated as a battle lost. But if you read about war tactics, battles have been won by retreating, using that retreat to regroup, and coming back with a new strategy!!

4. You didn't lose all hope that you can do this. You clearly picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and got back on that horse.

5. You didn't go quietly into the night. You are making noise yet again. This time will be different that all the rest, and you believe that!!

Be proud of all that you have done, but never forget that almost all of those things would never have come to fruition except for all the things you didn't do.

This Plan Is My Plan, That Plan Is Your Plan, Each Plan Was Made Individually!

First off, I want to give a shout out to Sean Anderson and Gerri Helms. I really appreciate the opportunity to join the support group and the benefit that inures from it. I can honestly say I feel like I have found another gear in my efforts. It is great to have a safe and friendly group that you can come to with the things that rattle around in your head about your fears, concerns, worries, etc. and also a place to come and share you success stories with those who get that they are a big deal!

So on to business. One thing that I have found I am having trouble with is that I have this plan for myself. I want to stay under 2100 calories gross, not net. I want to get organized activity in 3-5 times a week. I want to not plant my butt on the couch all the time at the end of the day. I want to at minimum keep my diet soda consumption to 1-2 a week. Long term, maybe get rid of them all together. Anyway, you get the idea. The one problem I have with a group dynamic, is that I suddenly start seeing one guy who is so dedicated that he researches whether something has sugar in it before he will eat it. I have one girl who can plan her meals out long term and know what is coming down the pipe calorie wise. I have another guy that is similarly situated to me age and weight wise who is getting by on 1600-1800 calories a day. In a nutshell, I am feeling like my plan is inadequate compared to the other plans and goals I see. That is the first step in failing to continue on for no good reason. I really need to get ahold of this and nip it in the bud. We didn't come off the assembly line, and what each of us requires to get where we are going, which also varies wildly from one person to the next, means that we can't compare plans and think we are worse off, or even better off for that matter, than our comrades in arms. I don't have an issue with sugar, so I don't need to guard against that. Most people don't have the issue with diet soda, so they don't have to guard against that. Some folks don't get hungry on 1600-1800 calories a day, so they can do that. I am not them. They are not me. My plan is my plan, their plan is their plan. And comparison is not needed.

What is needed is to focus in on your plan. Ask yourself, is this working? Did I drop weight/inches this week? Is my energy level higher than it has been historically? Am I able to be true to my plan without excessive struggles? If the answer to these are all yes, then there is nothing wrong with your plan. But that line of questioning has to be examined regularly, because as we all know, the journey changes with your progress. My 2100 calorie goal may have to go up or down, my exercise goal may have to change based on a plateau. But no matter what, the only plan that matters is your plan.

That Day

As a veteran in the losing weight and getting in shape only to back track, there is one thing I always remember from each initial success that later turned to failure. There was always that one day that I knew the tide was turning. Whether it be that I had a great work out and it didn't kill me like it used to, or that the shirt I love so much is now far far too big on me to be wearing in public, or that I sat in a booth at a restaurant and my belly didn't touch the table.

Today was the "That Day" for me. I got up this morning and put on my favorite red shirt. As I started to button it, I noticed that there was a bit more room than usual. I then went on to work where I was met with several stressful situations all at once. And rather than biding my time thinking about what to go get for lunch that would allegedly make me feel less stress (but create new stress after, am I right?), I was fascinated with getting to my gym and getting a good workout in to bust the stress. When I got there, I almost had a milestone. As I talked about here while back, I have an obsession with pull ups, and I bought a assist band to help me get going on them. I was just a foot away from doing 10 pull ups on my first set!! I also had bigger than usual numbers on my successive sets!

Once a week, I do one workout where I lift weights, and in between each set, I go run on the treadmill for 1 minute at 5 mph. Today, I actually toyed with the idea of turning up the speed, because that speed was no longer challenging me like it had historically!! I mean I knew I had run, but I was not fatigued or breathing nearly as hard as usual.

So here is the challenge. Keep working, keep persisting in whatever your personal fitness endeavor may be. Strive for your "That Day" and when it gets here, know that from that point forward, it is largely a down hill race. I am NOT saying there will never be challenges after that, but the road is paved after That Day and the potholes are not nearly as rough as the gravel road you just came off of.

No More Fiction

In the law, there is a thing called a legal fiction. So for example, if there is an accident that a husband and a wife are involved in, and one dies immediately and another a few days later, for the purposes of an estate, in certain situations, the law creates a legal fiction that they both died at the same time, despite the reality of a time lapse.

I have been previously trying to pretend like this journey after my relapse/regain is a fresh effort, and I am a newbie just trying to find my way. I am done with that. I know what to do to get where I want to go. What I don't know (yet) is how to get where I am trying to go without a return trip. I need to stop focusing on the map, I know the directions. I need to start focusing on what I am going to do when I get to my new hometown of Healthyville. Am I looking too far ahead and in danger of running off the road because I became a distracted driver? I don't think so. I have had at LEAST 4 successful significant weight losses. History says I can get down to a healthy weight, what it doesn't show is that I can stay there. I need to put in place tools that will help me stay thinner, and will keep me from heading back to OhCrapville. I don't have that yet, but with a minimum of 70 pounds to go before I get to Healthyville, I have time to work that out.