Day 2 This Blog

This blog is something. It was born of an article I read about a guy that was losing weight and was down 200 or so pounds based on a calorie budget and a blog. I went to that blog and I liked what I saw. This guy dealt with things I dealt with, but he didn't hide it in the deep dark crevices of his mind. He was dealing with it out front for all to see. It was raw and real and it made me feel like I wasn't alone in all the things that I was struggling with as far as food and exercise and life and family. It all plays a separate roles but on one stage. And we must be able to deal with it in a cathartic way, or it will overcome us. And hey, I like to write anyway, so the blog made sense.

So I started this blog, and I started a calorie bank and man did that work out for me. In around 10-11 months, I lost down to 196 pound from 308 I think. And to top it all off, I was running! That was a lifelong dream of mine, and I was doing it!. But then I got a little burned out from concentrating so hard on losing weight and sticking to my calorie budget. I decided I had learned a lot about how to properly eat, so I was just going to go intuitive eating rather than tracking. And about that same time, I was accepted into law school, and was going to be driving 100 miles a day 5 days a week, with classes spread out all through the day. Next to fall was my workout schedule. Then come the real struggle. Balancing law school, my family, my faith, and my finances was so frikkin' hard. And as we all know, eating can sooth the pain for a minute. But as we all also know, once that minute passes, then the guilt sets in. So now I get to deal with all the above, and the guilt of using food as a salve. And that guilt is bad enough if you are fat and always have been, but try that guilt after having finally realized so many of your dreams just a short while ago, only to give it all up to the food demons again. That guilt multiplies exponentially.

I graduated law school in 2013, and passed the bar in April 2014. I also landed the job I wanted from before law school even started. But a law degree wasn't the only thing I picked up in those 2 1/2 years. Kathy and I became foster parents to two beautiful children, adding to our already wonderful daughter Lauren. These were toddlers though, and man were they a handful. And it took all of us some adjusting. We adopted Jackie and Havic in 2015, and we are all cruising along fine. But I find myself every once in awhile a little overwhelmed. I spent many years as a bachelor and so this flurry of activity with 3 children couldn't be any more of a 180 degree turn if it tried. I am just now starting to embrace it as the blessing it is.

So now I get to the point of this post. I have let this blog languish over the years, and I think that was a mistake. I think there was a tool for me to deal with all the new and crazy and wild and stressful but oh so wonderful life Kathy and I have built together. I feel like this is essentially a cheaper version of a psychiatrist. I can come here and write about what I am dealing with. And rather than any stress I am feeling festering and causing me to engage in less than healthy behavior, I can vent here. I can "hash it out" and feel better. But even more than that, I can also use it to memorialize when I have fruitful thoughts and when I do succeed. It is kinda fun and kinda sad to go back and read my old posts from 2010 and 2011. It shows that I have the potential to work this out and become a better husband, father and Christian. I have a tool that I just haven't been using. That tool can help me stay focused on the goal and it can help me workout the hurdles between the goal and today. I just need to turn to it.