Day 15 & 16 Found and Lost and Found Again Maybe?

All through my youth, I was never a runner. Not a fast runner, not a distance runner. Running just sucked. Somewhere along the way in v1.0, I decided that walking was too boring for me now. So I took up jogging. I remember it was a day in March. I had dropped my wife and her mom off to get their nails done, and went to the park where I had taken to walking on their 3/4 mile path. I decided well I am just going to jog a lap, then walk the next mile and a half. So I took off in a nice easy jog, expecting to be winded about 1/4 down the way and gut out the last half mile. But I did not get winded. In fact, I finished that lap, and then I was feeling so good, I did another! And that day, the runner I never knew was in me peaked his head out and said hi. From that point, running became an obsession. I ran 6 days a week. I got better and better and better. I won second place in my first 5k. I was feeling great!! Every morning, I was read to run. Then along came law school, and I had an 8 a.m. class. Not a big deal right? well the thing is, I go to school 55 miles away. I also had to catch a bus after I got to the parking lot to get up to campus. I was having to leave at 6 just to be sure not to be late for class. And there went my running habit. I have lamented losing my runner every since I have gotten out of the habit. But it was not anybody else's fault but my own. If I had been diligent, I would have started running at night, or found some other way to make it happen. but I didn't. I didn't defend the part of me I had found so dear. I say all that to say this. Thursday night, Kathy made me go to the gym with her. It was not a hey do you want to go, it was get your shoes on, you have done nothing all day so you are going to the gym with me. Needed that. So we get there and it is pretty full. There happens to be one treadmill left. I hop it and start walking. But that was not very fulfilling. So I decided to jog a LIGHT jog. So for the next twenty minutes, I alternated between walking 5 minutes and jogging 5 minutes. It felt good! real good. So we headed out to the gym again on Saturday, and again, I hopped the treadmill. This time, it was the same pace, but I jogged for ten straight minutes. walked a bit, then jogged either 3 or 4 more minutes!! I started to remember that feeling, and man was I loving it again! I love when all my muscles are working in concert while I run. I just feel like a machine!! I didn't run this morning because 1. I got up late and we have church and 2. my hamstrings are killing me! But I plan to begin to start running first on Monday morning, then finish out walking. I am not setting a get to this distance mark yet for running, but once I get to a mile straight, I am going to start pushing it again. Again, I am making goals rather than pinballing about on my path to health!

Days 11-14 Can I Use My Obsessive Personality For Good Instead of Evil?

All of us who are overeaters know that feeling. We finally have gotten off our rears and are going to do something. Day 1, not a problem. The adrenaline that comes with a major decision to do something and then actually doing it gets you by on that day. Maybe even day 2 and 3. But day 4, that thrill, that rush, it is waning. Now this is more like a job. And man, are you starting to get hungrier easier. Then you get those fond memories. Right about now, I was having big ol' supper and my belly was filling up and man that was great! I sure do miss that! Then it starts. The obsession kicks in. Man if I could just have a few chips/a candy bar/a beer, that wouldn't hurt anything right? Those thoughts begin to be a deluge, working on you all day. If you are a working stiff, maybe you get by the day with concentrating on work, but when that go home bell sounds, you are left out on an island, all alone. It begins to be a huge battle in your mind. "I want to succeed" "no, I like food enough to deal with being fat" "I can't bend over to pick up stuff I drop, something has to be done" " I have kids to pick up the things I drop, give me that pie!" That is the bad obsessive nature of dieting I have dealt with more often than not. But I realized something about v1.0 that i had not realized prior to my walk yesterday. (yes I been walking and more or less sticking to my calorie budget for the past few days, just not inspired to blog). I was obsessive during that run too, I just didn't catch it. I was obsessed with being in calorie burning mode all the time. I wrote down every calorie I ate. I kept up with my basal metabolic rate as I was losing weight and then I would write out my calories I had taken in for the day, compare it to how many calories I would have burned in the hours I had been awake, and was constantly striving to be in a deficit on the intake side and a surplus on the output side. I was borderline OCD about it! So I begin today with a conscious effort on my part to switch my obsessions. I will know be focusing my energy on being in a calorie deficit rather than trying to fight off urges to eat. when my stomach growls, I will consider that a success rather than an emergency! When I think about getting a bite to eat, or what my meal is going to be, I will try to figure out how to maintain a calorie deficit even after eating that meal. I am going back to OCD baby!! So I have to share this. One of the things I like to do when I walk is to meditate on my relationship with God and Jesus' teachings and how I can put them into action. So on Thursday when I was walking, I seemed to remember a story about how when Solomon was made king, he prayed that God would give him wisdom. God was very pleased because most would pray for power or knowledge, but when one prays for wisdom, that shows that he is humble. I had been praying about my weight loss, but had been praying for self discipline rather than wisdom. I was seeking the wrong weapon in my prayers!! James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." That was literally when this epiphany about my obsessive behavior hit me! My God is an Awesome God Indeed!!

Days 8 and 9 A Misconception About Us Fat Folks

Although I doubt any one gives a rip, but in the event someone does, I apologize for not posting a blog yesterday. I guess that is really an apology to myself for letting me down really. So anyway that being taken care of, I am here now and will do what this blog is meant to do. I am peeling back the layers and making myself understand my propensity to overeat and also look at my methods of trying to get thinner and in better shape. A quick recap. I had a success Friday, a failure yesterday, followed by uber success today. Friday, I kept my to my calorie bank despite going to an all you can eat buffet that has great food with lots of calories!! I walked out of that place with my head held high! Buuuuuut yesterday, Kathy and I went to eat at a german restaurant that we had been trying to get to for awhile. I had no idea the calories in German food, and should have tried to figure that out before we ordered!! I refuse to even talk about how badly I stepped off the path for that meal. Wow! I hate to have to say it so often, but lesson learned. However, today has been the picture of perfection eating wise. I have even fought off some boredom/anxious eating urges. Love those days when I have to fight and when I win that fight. It reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures. James 1:2-3 "consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters when your face trials and tribulations of many kinds, for you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance." I love that verse and need to keep that one in mind at all times, so that when this new effort of mine, or v2.0 as I have dubbed it, begins to show cracks, I can realize that I did it once, and I can do it again, with some perserverance. So I was thinking about this idea that many people have that all fat people are dumb, lazy, careless and indifferent folks. I would disagree with that blanket assumption. I have no doubt that may be the case for some, but the majority of the large folks I know are actually people that are perfectionists with lots of passion. In fact, some of them are likely overeaters in response to the fact that they perceive that they are unable to achieve their desired goals because they are higher than the person feels they can achieve, and a retreat is made to comforting their depression resulting from their,again percieved, ineffectiveness. Translated, I can't make X happen they way I want it to happen. That frustrates me, how can I make myself feel better about failing in X? MMMM good pizza. I am probably that guy. I fancy myself a fella that things typically come easy to. I don't normally have to put too much effort into being at least passable in most things I try to do (athletics not withstanding). When I decided to go back to school, I really began to question myself. What I didn't take into consideration until I had finished undergrad was that I was trying to do a lot! I was working full time, going to school full time and being a husband, dad and son. That many tasks all at once was not likely to come easy to me, no matter what. I got myself together at the end fo undergrad, but then I got myself in a crack again first year of law school. One of the things I have come to grips with now is that I am not going to kick butt in all things, especially when I do so many things at once. that alone has helped me to lose some of my desire to eat when I feel inadequate. it just sucks that such a simple lesson took me so long and so many pounds packed back on to learn!

Day 7 That Swagger and The Frenzy

Today has been a good one I have to say. One of the things I miss the most is that energy I had when I was much thinner than I am now. I was literally always fidgety, ready to do something. I have over the past few months been getting in the bad habit of being ok with sitting around in my recliner or at my desk reading, with no desire to get up and go out and find SOMETHING to do. Not that I have had a lot of extra time even if I would have had the energy, but that is not the point. So while I still don't have the same "giggety giggety let's go" energy I had before, I am getting it back some. And I am also beginning to get that "swagger" I had too. I loved getting such great news from the scale this morning. I can't really explain it, but when feel that swagger, I just walk differently, like I am just one BAD DUDE! I get all giddy about just being alive and having accomplished something so important to me. Today, I started a new habit. I am going to not just look up and tell God thanks for the blessings, but I am now going to start getting down on my knees and bowing my head and send up prayers of thanks for all blessings, not just scale blessings. As I said before and I will keep saying, God sent me the wisdom I prayed for to get my back on the losing weight track! My second huge accomplishment was fighting of a "frenzy". I don't get this but I am a person who really actually gets hungry really easily. So though I do mostly eat out of habit or emotion when I am not dieting, when I do get the right mindset to get on the ball, I deal with hunger a lot. Well one of the habits I have is that whether I am dieting or not, when I get one thing to eat, I want another thing to eat, and then I get into what I call a feeding frenzy mode. I just start going around finding various random things to eat in the house. Today, I came home to check on Lauren and her progress in her chore list, and I was legitimately hungry. So I got the last bite of some left overs that amounted to nothing. It was literally one bite of chicken fried steak patty that was left over. But as soon as I took that bite, I began to scan the fridge for something else to eat. I spotted about 3 things that looked good, then I remembered there were cookies in the pantry and so on and so on. But today, I am proud to say, I fought off a frenzy!! I say I did, but the reality is that God help me. Phillipians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! I have one more big test to get through today, and I am feeling pretty good right now. We are having an all four parents dinner with Lauren tonight. The bad news is Golden Corral was the choice for the meeting place. As we all know, that is one place where 10,000 calories could easily be consumed!! But I have already been steeling myself. I am hoping there is a menu I can order off of that is just a meal and no bar. But if there is not, I am going to sit down and drink two glasses of water straight before I ever go look at the food bar. I want my stomach full as a tick before I ever even think of putting food in it. Then I am going to go around and make the best food choices available to me in the environment. I have a feeling this is a great learning opportunity if I will let it be!

Day 6 Building On Successes

Remember in yesterday's post, I talked about how I was successful all day even with going out to eat? Well right up to the offer of free cake anyways. I also said yeah that was not the best choice I could have made, but what I was choosing to take away from yesterday was that I was successful for far more of the day than I was not successful. Today, I was down at my mom's house waiting on Kathy to be done working when her and Dad offered to take us out to eat at the steak house, which is what they call the Western Sizzlin' here in VB. We accepted and went right on with them. Well I am not a huge fan of their steaks and quite frankly, I had the urge for a good salad, and they do have a great salad bar there. Well it is actually cheaper to get the food bar than it is to get the salad bar for some reason, so I did. I got my salad and loved every bite of it. I was particularly pleased with myself for going very sparingly with the bleu cheese dressing, since I usually soak a salad down with dressing. I had also spotted some fried okra and some baby back ribs on the way back to the table, so I went back for them, but in very sparing portions. I also grabbed some steamed broccoli while I was at it. I finished off my meal with a few slices of kielbasa. So having been to this bar many times before, it was a far better bet that I was going to hit up the sweets section than it would be that I was going to completely ignore it. But if you had been betting against me tonight, you would have lost!!! Not even a sniff of ice cream, cookies, cobbler, NOTHING! I came home and entered all my food on my app that I track calories with and I came in with 100 calories left for the day!! and I haven't done my walk for the day yet, so I should be in the 750 calorie deficit for the day range!! How awesome is that? Building on small success baby!!

Day 5 Still Work To Do....

Did great all day, even up to ordering a meal that was within my calorie budget when we went out to eat. But then it happened. "want some free cake to go with that?" Fail for Shane. But will I dwell on that part? Nope. I will be dwelling on the good decisions I made all day, and thinking how to prepare better for that temptation next time. Nuff said, right? D